What am I going to do? Am I going to eat that rock climber? Or that deer?
No, I'm definitely going to destroy a mountain lion.
With my face.
It is with a hint of sadness that I write about Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part 2, mostly because it marks the end of an almost abusive use of colons in a movie title. But also because these movies have been around for quite a while now, and they have been a lot of fun to watch, especially at their most ridiculous.
Part 2 begins with Bella realizing that she is, in fact, thirsting for blood, and so Edward decides to take her on her first hunt. I guess it goes well. I mean, she does manage to bag a mountain lion and overcomes the urge to kill a dude, so. Off to a good start. Of all of the scenes in all of the movies, I have to say that Bella was at her strongest and most enjoyable when she was all pissed off at Jacob for emotionally tying himself to her infant daughter. Possibly the best acting that KStew has ever done. BRAVA.
Hey, how did everyone manage to decorate the Cullens' little shack in the woods? Honestly, did all of that happen while they were on their honeymoon? Because I've been a homeowner for nearly 8 years, and I WANT THAT HOUSE THIS IS AN INJUSTICE.
Goodbye, mustache. I think I'll miss you most of all.
First of all, I loved when Jacob turned into a wolf for Charlie. Because no one would really do that if they were an actual wolf-changer. But Jacob doesn't have time to think about these things, and Charlie is all, PLEASE STOP TAKING OFF YOUR CLOTHES.
I don't know about this whole meeting with Charlie that happens. It was obviously different in the book, and while I have a hard time believing that Charlie would be okay with everyone saying, "Look, Bella is still here, but, you know...we can't tell you anything about what happened, or why this baby is going to be a five-year-old in two weeks, and also why she's not breathing any more. So. See you soon!" (Side note: Did KStew have to put contacts on top of contacts for that one part where they put brown contacts over her red eyes? Because if so, THAT IS LITERALLY MY NIGHTMARE.)
Here's a lesson that we can all use: if you happen to have a child that is half human and half vampire, that can levitate several tens of feet off of the ground, it's probably a good idea that you keep that fact under wraps, especially from other vampires that don't really know you that well who are standing roughly 25 miles away from you. It will prevent so many problems in the future.
Or you could ignore that sage wisdom and, you know, invoke the rage of the Volturi.
VOLTURI'S GOT COATS
Y'ALL ALREADY KNOW THAT
Apparently some wires get crossed, and the Volturi are under the misguided impression that the Cullen crew has turned a child into a vampire. It's just not true. (It's actually the result of a much more heinous deed (remember that time that Edward and Bella had sex one time, and she got pregnant with his half-vampire baby? (triple parenthesis THIS IS MADNESS)).) Somehow, on his way to destroy this undead child, Aro remembers that he also wants to steal Alice to become part of his weird clan. Naturally, Alice and Jasper flee, leaving behind a cryptic note, hastily scribbled on the title page of The Merchant of Venice.
Nothing to be done but round up all of the Cullens' friends from around the globe! In the back of the book, (Did you know that these movies were based on books? Weird, if you didn't.) there is actually a whole list of the names of all of the vampires and where they are from and which clan they belong to. Nearly everyone was interested in hanging out at Chez Cullen for a while (who wouldn't want to hang out there WHY CAN'T THIS PLACE BE REAL), once little Renesmee put her hand on everyone's cheek to mentally prove that she wasn't a full vampire. If only communication in real life were that easy, AMIRITE.
Can you please always wear a hoodie and hook your thumb in the pocket of your jeans THANKS.
So let's see. Everyone gathers together and there is some tension, and we learn that there are lots of vampires in the world and some of them have different and special talents, and Bella discovers that she is a shield, and she works on making her shield stronger and stronger, and that will be useful later.
A good old fashioned Vampire Jamboree
MEANWHILE, Bella is also trying to figure out what is going on with Alice's weird note. She finds the copy of the book that Alice tore up, and inside is a name and a place, and the words "DESTROY THIS". So she throws a perfectly good copy of The Merchant of Venice into the fireplace, and then bones Edward, AS YOU WOULD.
It's that thing when your husband is always putting his hand down your shirt.
Bella goes to Seattle and discovers that Alice has sent her there to meet a man that makes fake passports. She opens the envelope, and it's just passports for Jacob and Renesmee...WHAAAAAT OH NO THIS MEANS....WAIT... She goes back home and reluctantly packs a bag of cash, and is legit ready to send the two of them to safety if it comes to that. YOU GUYS. IT'S BECAUSE EDWARD CAN'T READ HER MIND, REMEMBER. Does he ever find out about this plan? I wonder.
The time has come for the epic showdown with the Volturi. I am excited. I have heard good things on the internets.
Did I mention that Ned from Pushing Daisies is this crazy rock star vampire? Because that is a fact.
I wish that was Chuck. *le sigh*
Let's talk for a minute. THIS IS A GIANT SPOILER, AS THE TITLE OF EVERY ONE OF MY MOVIE REVIEWS ALREADY SUGGESTS, BUT IN CASE YOU LIKE TO SKIP WORDS IN SENTENCES OR WHAT HAVE YOU, I WILL MENTION IT IN ONCE MORE.
I was not at all prepared for the insanity of the battle scene. Not. At. All. Prepared. According to my sister, my jaw was literally hanging open for the duration. So here is what happens: Alice and Jasper appear, and let's be real, this is the true motivation for Aro and them to have trudged through the snow and ice all of these weeks. Did they walk from Italy? Can they fly? I don't understand how it works, but you know these freaks did not take a train. Alice tells Aro she knows what will happen, and he touches her hands to see what she sees, and then he is grabbing her as if to capture her, and you know, a massive amount of violence ensues.
PREPARE FOR EXTREME DERP
The first thing that happens is that Aro decapitates Carlisle, and then sets his body on fire.
THE FIRST THING THAT HAPPENS IS THAT ARO DECAPITATES CARLISLE, AND THEN SETS HIS BODY ON FIRE.
Those of you who have read this book will know, um, THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN IN THE BOOK AT ALL. In fact, there is no battle of any kind in the book. It was widely reported on internet that the writers took some liberties with the final installment, but I was really starting to feel like things were out of control. There was a lot of blood and decapitation and people being set on fire, because that's how you kill a vampire in this universe. There were also some dead and injured wolves...it was just unsettling. And then Renesmee is sent into the woods by Bella, riding atop a wolfy Jacob with her backpack of faux paperwork and cash...IT WAS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE. But then the coolest thing ever happened, when Edward and Bella tag-teamed killing Aro. And I was like YAY BUT WHAT I CAN'T EVEN JASPER AND CARLISLE ARE DEAD HOW WILL I LIIIIIIIIIIVE
But guess what you guys? It was all a rope-a-dope. Just when you thought this storytelling convention was used to death, T:BD:2 BRINGS IT BACK. This was all just what Aro was seeing in Alice's mind as what would happen if he tried to take her. Which then begs the questions: Is this really what would have happened, or does Alice have an additional power in which she is able to get people to see whatever she wants them to see? Of course there is no answer to this, because again, this is not what happens in the book. All I have to say is, DAAAAAAAAAAMN.
All of that shield training is not for nothing, though, because Bella does get to protect everyone from some final jolts of electricity, and the Volturi are satisfied that Renesmee is cool (thanks again to Alice and Jasper, who found a full-grown half-vamp-half-human living in the Congo or some such place, and that dude is also cool, so we all cool now), and they just WALK AWAY. What even. I hope this means there is still room for Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part 3: Other Stuff That Happened After the Volturi Just Walked Away From an Awkward Confrontation That One Time.
Things end happily, you guys. Everyone is hanging out and having a good time staring at water and not worrying about getting killed for once. Alice has a vision of Renesmee all teenaged and hanging out with Jacob and the fam, and for a minute you realize that all of these people are not the ages that their bodies might indicate, and that's kind of weird.
This is so weird I'm not gonna lie.
Possibly my favorite part of all of the books is at the very end, when Bella is like, "Hey, Edward. Guess what? You know how you can never hear my thoughts? It's because I've been a shield this whole time. But check this out - if I think about it, I can lower the shield, so here is the entire story of our relationship from my perspective PRETTY COOL BRO." I thought that they handled this very well, although I liked it better in the book because they were just hanging out on their couch, as opposed to the film version where they are inexplicably sitting among a field of flowers. At the time I didn't care, because THIS IS MY FAVORITE THING THAT HAPPENS, and it was very sweet and I don't think I teared up or anything so that's not a concern for anyone.
IT MUST HAVE BEEN LOVE
BUT IT'S OVER NOOOOOOW
The ending credits were epic, and okay, maybe I did tear one single tear, because they listed every person from every Twilight movie ever, and it was a really nice touch, and that freaking Thousand Years song was playing, and yeah. I'm not inhuman.
So this is where I leave you, good reader. The end of an era, as it were. I'm sad to see it end, but I look forward to the inevitable 25-disc super collectors edition set that will hopefully be packaged in a broken bed frame. A girl can dream.