For the uninitiated, this movie is pretty laughably terrible, which is one of the reasons why I can't look away. There are scenes in which RPatz looks like a wide-eyed alien, and it is especially entertaining to take a drink every time KStew screws her mouth to one side (helpful advice: don't attempt this on an empty stomach, or you will literally succumb to alcohol poisoning 25 minutes in).
If Steph and I could change one thing about this movie, we would obviously have had it filmed in 1989. Are you even ready for this recast?
YOU'D BETTER HOLD ON TIGHT, SPIDER MONKEYS.
Bella Swan, played by Kristen Stewart
Kristi Picks: Winona Ryder - "Think about it - this would have been the PERFECT follow-up to Heathers. This role has everything - pouting, grimacing, exhaling, gasping, and plenty of voiceover work. And let's not forget the complete lack of need to convey emotion - it's every actors dream!"
Steph Picks: Meredith Salinger - "Clearly you remember her work as Amy on Dawson's Creek, but did you know that she was in an episode of The Sentinel in 1996? #sheisboringandthereforeperfect"
Charlie Swan, played by Billy Burke
Kristi Picks: James Woods (with mustache) - "Steph has a quota that she needs to fill for photoshopped 'staches. I'm happy to help up the count by one. Charlie is pretty much a complete wet rag in this installment, and I think that James Woods would have been just ridiculous enough to make him all the more hapless. I like my Charlie hapless."
Steph Picks: John Ratzenberger - "Honestly? This is about 85% mustache, and 15% head shape. Give or take."
Edward Cullen, played by Robert Pattinson
Kristi Picks: River Phoenix - "THE ULTIMATE. I MEAN. If you were alive in 1989 and you did not fall all over yourself for River Phoenix, than I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU BECAUSE CLEARLY HE IS THE ONLY OPTION FOR BROODING TEEN VAMPIRE WHOSE ENTIRE BODY SPARKLES IN THE SUN. *creys* #teamriver"
Steph Picks: C. Thomas Howell - "I counter your point by saying simply LOOK AT THIS FACE AND HAIR AND TELL ME I'M WRONG I DARE YOU. *creys* #teamthomas"
Jacob Black, played by Taylor Lautner
Kristi Picks: Balthazar Getty - "He's almost brooding enough to be Edward, but honestly, he was a bit too young in '89 to pull it off. Besides, Jacob's role gets bigger in the future, and Balthazar will thank me for the work later on. #judgedredd"
Steph Picks: Mario Lopez - "Because in my mind, 80s wolves should totally have perms."
Dr. Carlisle Cullen, played by Peter Facinelli
Kristi Picks: Dennis Quaid - "I can say objectively that Dennis Quaid had it going on in the 80s. I mean, now he's still got it going on for an older dude, and obviously got the better end of the face stick compared to Randy. So. There's that."
Steph Picks: Tom Cruise - "TOM CRUISE."
Esme Cullen, played by Elizabeth Reaser
Kristi Picks: Mary Steenburgen - "Esme is so comforting, you know? Can't you see Mary Steenburgen wearing a little country-style apron, mixing up a salad for Bella? And then being all, "IT'S COOL WE'RE TOTALLY NOT GOING TO EAT YOU HAVE SOME PASTA."
Steph Picks: Demi Moore - "She might actually be a vampire."
Alice Cullen, played by Ashley Greene
Kristi Picks: Christina Applegate - "Fashion obsessed future-BFF Alice...I mean, everyone wanted to be friends with Christina Applegate in the 80s, amirite? Hell, I still want to be friends with her. #rightontopofthatrose"
Steph Picks: Winona Ryder - "Was there anything that Winona couldn't do back then? Probably not. I don't know. I wasn't a member of her fan club. YET."
Rosalie Cullen, played by Nikki Reed
Kristi Picks: Rachel Weisz - "Rosalie is kind of a jerk, so it would give me great pleasure to see Rachel Weisz, perennial good-girl, give it a go. Yo...they kind of look alike."
Steph Picks: Kristy Swanson - "VAMPIRE REFERENCE #2."
Emmet Cullen, played by Kellan Lutz
Kristi Picks: Josh Brolin - "You know, I have a feeling that Emmet of the 80s would totes wear that bandanna. ME GUSTA."
Steph Picks: Patrick Muldoon - "His turn on Saved By the Bell haunts me still. It would be really funny if he and Mario Lopez had a really strained relationship after this movie, and then Muldoon shows up on set and it's like "UGH NOT THAT DOUCHE." #fakeearly90srivalries"
Jasper Cullen, played by Jackson Rathbone
Kristi Picks: Owen Wilson - "I just. I can't."
Steph Picks: Paul Reubens - "How many people can I cast that have actually played vampires before people start to notice..."
Jessica, played by Anna Kendrick
Kristi Picks: Alyssa Milano - "There is no better regular high school friend on the planet than Alyssa Milano. I would insist that she wear that very shirt and hairstyle. Maybe Mike Newton could be played by Joey Lawrence."
Steph Picks: Jami Gertz - "I used to watch Still Standing, and I don't even care."
Victoria, played by Rachel Lefevre
Kristi Picks: Tilda Swinton - "Obviously, everything about this photo stays, especially the gigantic bow, which will eventually be her undoing as Edward gets his hand caught up in it and inadvertently decapitates her."
Steph Picks: Khrystyne Haje - "I mean I don't even need to start talking about Head of the Class, do I? YOU HAD BETTER KNOW. Simone as pissed-off vampire? YES."
James, played by Cam Gigandet
Kristi Picks: Emilio Estevez - "The best part about this is that Emilio Estevez would totally grow his hair out for three years for the role, making Young Guns about 99% more amazing. #realstats"
Steph Picks: Kiefer Sutherland - "I'm at 3, but if we count the Buffy reference...I'm out of control."
Laurent, played by Edi Gathegi
Kristi Picks: Wesley Snipes - "PAY YOUR TAXES, KIDS."
Steph Picks: Mario Van Peebles - "If you really want to waste some time this afternoon, I would suggest checking out his IMDB page. Just go. It's so irrelevant that it's kind of sad. He had a very interesting 80s experience."
Thanks for the pictures, and for playing along as always.
YOU GUYS. Our next recast will be on Friday, June 1, WHICH HAPPENS TO BE MY BIRTHDAY. You can expect that Steph and I will be doing something super special and kind of out-of-control, because it is also OUR 30TH RECAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BELIEVE THERE WILL BE A GIVEAWAY BECAUSE OF REASONS.
Have an awesome weekend. Go outside. Watch out for creepy 17-year-old-looking 117-year-olds.