Thursday, January 5, 2012

Spoiler Alert: Just Buried

I had a similar reaction.

"Oh, god," I thought to myself as I slid the DVD from its waxy and wrinkled white sleeve. "This has been a mistake." What I was referring to (this movie selection, this project, my entire life) I'm still not sure, but I knew one thing - I did not feel like watching this movie. I knew it would be bad just by looking at the laser-printed photo on the DVD.

"It's only an hour and 33 minutes, " I told myself. "Surely you can suck it up and pay attention for that long. You've watched worse things of a longer length. Remember that Sunday last spring when you were sick, and you sat in front of the television and watched a marathon of Real Housewives of Atlanta, because you were too lazy to get up and find the remote? It's not going to be as bad as that."

Spoiler alert: they're going to kill you.

Oliver (Ja...oh, you know who the hell he is) and his brother Jackie return to the small town where their father lived to attend his funeral. He owned the local funeral home, which he leaves to Oliver in his will. Oliver is nerdy (surprise!) and awkward (didn't see that coming!) and his nose bleeds when he's nervous, which is always (sure!). He accidentally kills a dude with his car while drunk driving with the mortician that he is already kind of in love with even though they just met. They cover up the murder and end up performing the funeral. Hey...this is a great way to drum up business.

I really can't even. They kill a bunch of people, either to cover up the other murders, or to get rid of the competition. It turns out that the mortician (played by Rose Byrne, whom I recognized as the agent from X-Men: First Class!) was just playing Oliver this whole time. She wants the funeral home all to herself, because it used to belong to her mom. At the end of the movie, they get married, and then she kills him. So that she can have the funeral home. Yeah.

I mean I guess I liked her hat. #onepositive

I can't even think of one single redeeming thing about this movie. Not one thing. There weren't any particularly funny lines. The plot was just lame. None of these people were any good. Not even Jay. NOT. EVEN. JAY.

This movie suffers from the desire to be a quirky indie movie, when really, it's just a shitty movie with people trying to act like they're in a quirky indie movie. I'm not a fan.

Stats:

Number of scenes for which they needed to cover up Jay's maple leaf chest tattoo: zero (pre-tattoo)

Number of times Jay did that thing, you know, where he pouts his lips and my brain explodes: undetermined (THIS IS HOW LITTLE I WAS INTERESTED IN WATCHING THIS MOVIE OKAY)

Number of times Oliver got a nose bleed within the first 12 minutes of the movie: 6

Moment I knew it would not get better: 12 minutes in
                                                           "I'm afraid to death of death."
                                                           "I think that people who are afraid of death are afraid of life."

Body Count: 5 (plus one deer, unrelated)

Rating, on a scale from one to ELEVEN: 1

Final Assessment: WHY GOD WHY


I don't even feel like captioning this.

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