Monday, January 2, 2012

Spoiler Alert: I'm Reed Fish

THIS. IS. THE. POUT. YOU. GUYS. Captured on film like some kind of rare jungle animal.

Time for some straight talk. This movie is not very good. Not very good at all. Less so the second time around, as I quickly learned.

It's the story of Reed Fish (Jibbles Barabibbles), a 23-year-old living in a small town, and the voice of said small town's daily radio show. His parents died when his father fell asleep while driving, also killing Reed's fiancee's mother. One afternoon, his old crush from high school, Jill (Schuyler Fisk, OF SNOW DAY FAME OKAY TIM!!!!!!!), shows up and tells him that she'll be staying in town for the summer. Guess what happens you guys? He develops feeling for Jill. In fact, he kisses her in the  parking lot of the local bar. And then he breaks off his engagement to Kate (Alexis Bledel - SPEAK UP OKAY YOU WERE WHISPER ACTING IN THIS WHOLE MOVIE WHYYYYY). And then...and then...

You're really bringing me down you guys I mean guh.

Here's the thing, though. This movie is bad because all of this that is happening? Is actually a movie within the movie. So while this stuff is all stuff that happened in his life, these people are, for the most part, not the actual people. It's not confusing, it's just...dumb.

Making the meta even more unbearable? The guy who wrote this movie? The actual movie? His name is Reed  Fish. I can't. I just cannot.

Okay I dig the wistful staring tho.

Reed ends up deciding that he doesn't want to do the radio show any more because he's tired of trying to live up to his dead dad's life. So he takes his inheritance and makes a movie. The very movie, in fact, that you have been watching for the last hour plus. He ends up with the real Jill. The soundtrack to this thing is awful. I've got nothing left but a resigned sigh.

He is the mopiest I mean TRACK JACKET.


Number  of scenes for which they needed to cover up Jay's maple leaf chest tattoo: ZERO (not only because he is not featured shirtless, but also because he didn't get the tattoo until 2007 and this movie was made in 2006, I mean why do I know these facts sans google I am scaring myself)

Number of times Jay did that thing, you know, where he pouts his lips and my brain explodes: 27 (most pouts yet!)

Number of times we switch back and forth between movie and reality: 3

Favorite character: Andrew, played by everyone's favorite early-to-mid 00's staple DJ Qualls

Most enjoyable mother figure: Katey Sagal

Number of times I thought about just going to bed instead of finishing this thing: 3

Main reason why I did not just go to sleep: Integrity of the Pout Count

Rating, on a scale of one to ELEVEN: 3 (ouch. I'm really sooooory, Jay.)

Final Assessment: Certainly a lot of pouting in this, but it's still not enough to sit through it for how bad it is otherwise.

Okay this is from Tropic Thunder but he kept his mouth pretty well closed through most of this film and I can't have a post without an open-mouthed screencap so DEAL WITH IT YOU MUST.


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