Do you even know my feelings? How could you possibly.
"Oh my god, you guys have both got to stop perpetuating this myth that Boba Fett is some kind of badass. He has a jetpack. So did The Rocketeer - reeeeeealllllly cooooool. I mean, when it comes time for battle, the man's Michael Bay - all style, no substance."
That's Windows, you guys. I kind of love him, okay.
I first watched Fanboys about a year ago, and I loved it. I did a wise thing in saving it for last during this little project, because it's nice to end on a positive note (even though the movie maybe isn't so happy in the end).
This is the story of four friends who grew up together: Linus (Chris Marquette), Hutch (Dan Fogler), Eric (Sam Huntington) and Windows (Jonathan Adam Saunders Baruchel). Eric went off to college and now works at his dad's used car lot, and hasn't seen the rest of the guys in about three years. He runs into them at a Halloween party (and also, Kristin Bell as Zoe - VERONICA MARS 4EVR) and it becomes evident immediately that these dudes love Star Wars. They love it love it. They have an electronic countdown going on for the opening of Episode One. They dream about taking a road trip to the Skywalker Ranch, breaking into the screening room, and watching it before everyone else. Eric thinks these dreams are stupid now, because they're not in fifth grade any more.
Eric is kind of a douche, maybe because he feels a little bit badly about not keeping in touch with his friends, but after a visit from Hutch and Windows at his job, he feels even worse. Linus is dying from some kind of terminal illness, and even though he's been to lots of specialists, there is nothing that anyone can do for him.
Things that I can't handle: the van, the track jacket, the sneakers.
Eric gets an idea. They should totally go on that road trip. They should definitely break into George Lucas' office. They need to watch that movie.
The subplot to all of these shenanigans that no doubt ensue is that Eric loves to draw comic books. When he was younger, Linus would write stories and Eric would do all of the illustrating. But he hasn't drawn in a really long time, because his dad is pressuring him to take over the car dealerships. STRUGGLES. DOING WHAT YOU LOVE VS. DOING WHAT YOU THINK YOU SHOULD BE DOING. Can't we all relate I mean THIS MOVIE HAS EVERYTHING YOU GUYS.
Including a scene where the four boys strip to Menudo. GET MUCH BETTER, IT DOES NOT.
There is also an underlying rivalry between the boys and any and all Star Trek fans. This animosity fuels two very hilarious fight scenes (Hutch takes a detour on their way to Texas, just to bust some Trekkie ass at the birth site of James T. Kirk, and there is another big brawl at a convention in Vegas), and also, one of my favorite exchanges early on in the movie between Hutch and some customers at the comic shop he works at:
"What'll it be, fellas?"
"How much for the phaser gun?"
"Sorry, Garfunkel. We don't hock Trek here."
"Well, then...if you don't sell The Trek, then why do you have a phaser gun in the case?"
"We keep this one here to suss out Trekkie bitches like yourselves and then tell them to get the hell off of our land, so get the HELL off of our LAND!"
"IT'S A CARRIAGE HOUSE."
Note: This image comes from a website called "Watches in Movies"
Internet: It Is Literally For Everyone
The boys make it to Texas to rendezvous with Windows' online girlfriend, Rogue Leader, who claims that she has information that he needs to get into the Skywalker Ranch. It turns out she is also 10 years old, and the niece of Gary Knowles (founder of Ain't It Cool News, helllloooooo). Gary Knowles kicks their asses, you guys. But after answering some Star Wars trivia and agreeing to give him all of the spoilers, he lets them live. And also, he tells them they need to get to Vegas, where they will have to find Codename: Scruffy Nerfherder. He'll hook them up.
If you've never seen a photo of Gary Knowles, you really need to google him, because this is just ridiculously accurate.
Other things happen. They get a flat tire. They strip at a gay bar. They get high on peyote while a guy named The Chief fixes the van. They try to outrun some cops and end up going to jail (Cop played by Joe Lo Truglio, y'all!!!!!!). They get bailed out by Zoe, who now insists on finishing the quest with them. Eric's dad sends word that if he doesn't get back home right now, he's fired.
They finally make it to Vegas. Windows and Hutch find some hot ladies. Zoe gets upset because, you guys, SHE KIND OF LOVES WINDOWS I mean who could blame you not me like LEAST OF ALL, ME. It turns out that the hot ladies are hookers, and Windows and Hutch owe their pimp $2,000.
Meanwhile, Eric and Linus have found Scruffy Nerfherder ("I'm William Shatner. I can get anything."), but they also find the same group of angry Trekkies that they assaulted earlier. DOUBLE CHASE SCENE, COMMENCE!
They escape! Linus has an episode and gets super sick! They go to the hospital and his doctor is Carrie Fisher! They decide to bust out of there even though he's not well! They make it to The Ranch! They break in (with grappling hook usage!)! They see awesome props! They get caught! Windows tries to fight Ray Park!!!!!!!! MIND EXPLOSION!!!!!!!
They try to escape! They throw themselves down a garbage chute! They think they're going to be crushed! But they're not!
I mean I love this part.
They find George Lucas' office! His laptop is 1. open; 2. not password protected; and 3. showing a clearly labeled folder containing the rough cut of Episode One! MOVIES ARE THE BEST!!!! They watch the title scroll and then they have to hide, because MORE GUARDS! Windows and Zoe kiss on the couch! Eric threatens to destroy the Millennium Falcon! Will Forte is one of the guards! He threatens to destroy Yoda! It's a standoff!
Never not funny.
They end up having to face the head of security (Danny McBride, I mean, come on now), who tells them that Mr. Lucas will not press charges if they can prove that they, in fact, are fanboys. They answer a bunch of questions and are let off the hook. Mr. Lucas even says it's ok for them to watch the movie! Well, it's ok for one of them. Just Linus. *I may get choked up here okay*
He doesn't tell the rest of them anything about the movie, and they get in the van to head home. There's a brief scene where they're camping out for the night, and Linus and Eric have this moment, and Linus tells him that his drawings are really good and that he should keep doing them, and then Eric joins the others and Linus is just like, "I'm going to stay right here and look and you guys for a while because obviously I'm going to die soon," and, you know, MAYBE I CRY A LITTLE LET ME BE.
I pledge allegiance, to that mouth
The movie ends with the gang (SANS LINUS OKAY *SNIFFLE*) waiting in line for Episode One. Hutch finally turned The Carriage House (a.k.a. his mom's garage) into his own detailing business. Windows and Zoe are totes adorable. And Eric wrote his own comic book. TIED UP, THE LOOSE ENDS ARE. As they sit in the theater and think of Linus, Eric leans over to deliver the last line of the film: "Guys...what if it sucks?"
Number of scenes for which they needed to cover up Jay's maple leaf chest tattoo: zero (Please see above photo of the boys stripping. Side Note: Really? Why would Windows have a maple leaf chest tattoo? They couldn't paint over it to look like the Rebel Alliance symbol? It would have been so easy to do. Gah.)
Number of times Jay did that thing, you know, where he pouts his lips and my brain explodes: 57 (CAN'T BE TAMED)
Best songs played at the Halloween party: "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba, "Whoomp! There It Is" by Tag Team
Number of amazing teeshirts worn by Windows: 6
Number of characters played by Seth Rogen: 3
Fun Fact: The coffee shop where Windows goes to meet Rogue Leader is called Java the Hut, and it was a real coffee shop located in Austin, Texas (it has since closed). #themoreyouknow
Number of Star Wars related cameos: 3
Best line: "I can hear his beard." - Zoe, while Danny McBride is talking to George Lucas on the phone
Time on the clock when the movie ended: 11:11 (the BEST possible time to end this movie)
Rating, on a scale from one to ELEVEN: ELEVEN
Final Assessment: FANBOYS FANGIRL OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
WINDOWS APPRECIATION LIFE