I'm just sitting here like, "WHAT IS THAT FONT."
Yesterday, I got to go on a little date with my sister to finally see the latest Twilight movie. It was playing at the Madison in the tiniest theater in existence. (Okay, probably not the tiniest in existence, but. 46 seats. That's definitely the smallest one I've ever been in THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.) FYI: they have really good popcorn there.
We start this thing the night before THE BIG DAY a.k.a. Bella and Edward's wedding. I will likely cite several times throughout the course of this post that I understand that this is a long book, and a lot happens. But. They took some liberties with what they decided to include, cut out, or completely and inexplicably CHANGE. I missed the bit with Bella's discomfort at the gas station with everyone checking out her ridiculously awesome car that Edward insisted she drive around in. Because Bella is nothing if not completely awkward. Instead, we see her attempting to walk on a patio in 4-inch heels. Which did not so much convey her awkwardness as it did make her look like she was completely incapable of functioning at a base level. WOAH! WHAT ARE THESE FOREIGN THINGS ON MY FEET! I AM SO CONFUSED I WILL JUST SLUMP OVER!
It was cute okay DEAL WITH IT
We did get the whole scene with Edward flying into her window once she's home, which was pretty cute. Apart from his whole confession about how he killed a bunch of dudes when he first turned vampy. Which I didn't really recall from the story...did they just make that up? And then his brothers show up and drag him away for his bachelor party. Hunting mountain lions. No big deal.
I found myself clenching my fists and hissing at the consistently sour facial expressions of a one KStew almost immediately upon seeing her face dim the screen, but at no time more so than at the wedding. GOOD GOD I CAN'T TAKE IT. Even at that moment, you know the one, when she sees Edward and suddenly her feet can't move fast enough to get her to him so that she can marry him and be his forever and just yessssss all of the feelings????? SHE MANAGED TO RUIN THAT FOR ME SO THANKS A LOT KSTEW UGH. Is it really that hard to turn both sides of your mouth in an upward direction, and maybe at least try to think of something that gives you any modicum of joy? If Robert Pattinson and his delightfully angular face is not doing it for you, surely you could have thought about ice cream, or what your life might have been like had you not become famous, or dead puppies, or ANYTHING to prevent that screwed jaw and grave, dead eyes that you seem to be so opposed to shedding for even one moment in time?
I'm not sure what just happened just then.
The wedding scenes were nice. Quite lush with moss. I couldn't help but think of this gif:
And then, my favorite part. When a perfectly-yet-inexplicably-submissive-to-Bella Jacob emerges from the trees. In a white button down shirt and pants that are not jorts. Because even though he hates that she married Edward, he still couldn't NOT be with her on her big day. I mean. SQUISHY FEELINGS. Interrupted by Bella's stupid admission that yes, she will in fact be boning Edward tonight. I MEAN. That's what this whole thing has been about, right? So our little wolf boy goes ahead and wolf's out and needs to be restrained (WHAT'S UP SAM ULEY) and, well. Edward's not going to let this ruin the rest of the 90 second montage of wedding footage.
Is it weird that I wanted desperately for a scene at the airport on the way to their honeymoon? Something so blindingly domestic that you might forget for a moment that this whole story is ridiculous, and see them just as two soul mates embarking on a bit of forever? I don't get to have nice things. Instead I got an angsty car ride superimposed over the flash of moonlit trees, a random dance break in the streets of Rio, and a speedboat ride that was no doubt footage lifted from an old Puff Daddy video. GAH.
You know we don't stop
Do we need to talk about the breaking of the bed? Frankly, I could use the distraction from how bad the whole "I'm-so-nervous-what-am-I-doing-I'll-just-brush-my-teeth-ten-times-and-be-bewildered-when-I-see-my-suitcase-is-full-of-underwear-THANKS-ALICE" bit was. Just. Go to a happier place. The handful of wood he pulled from the headboard. FLAIL.
WHY DID YOU CUT THE BEST WORST LINE OF ALL TIME - "Why am I covered in feathers?"
Also? Those bruises were not bruisey enough. I pictured her beaten to within an inch of her life and like, "Yep. Let's do that some more OKAY." AND WHERE WERE THE GODDAMNED SCRAMBLED EGGS??????? You're really starting to piss me off, Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1.
I know that you shot the scene. THERE IS LITERALLY NO EXCUSE.
I am not without the ability to give props where props are due. BRAVO and KUDOS to KStew for what was, quite possibly, the greatest and most perfect facial expression of all times when she noticed her unopened box of tampons and then realized OH SHIT SOMETHING IS AMISS AND BY THAT I MEAN I AM MOST DEF PREGGERS WITH YOUR HALF-VAMPIRE BABY.
Let's fast-forward to when we're back on the mainland, because honestly, I went to the bathroom right after Edward super-packed their bags, and when I got back they were still standing in the doorway and my sister was like, "You literally just missed five minutes of KStew staring in the mirror." Speaking of props and my intention to be real about them, WHO DID THE PREGNANT!BELLA MAKEUP BECAUSE OHMYGOD YOU ARE A GENIUS. She looked absolutely horrid and it was incredible. I must have said something out loud at least four times (sorry, girl and her mom sitting in front of us with the really bizarre ringtone that lasted for 3 minutes before you turned off your phone well if we're doing apologies here I'm just saying).
Seriously so amazing like I cannot even.
Jacob. Sweet Jacob. I'm sorry you had to find out this way. But we all know you're not going to kill "that thing." *snicker*
So then, one of my favorite parts of the book is about to happen. You know, when Edward takes Jacob outside, and he's so wrecked and angry and completely drained, and he basically offers to pimp out his wife to him because he just wants her not to die and he still thinks that the "thing" is some kind of freak creature that's eating her alive from the inside. I MEAN. It's seriously sad and intense in the book, and it pretty much wasn't any of that in the movie, which was disappointing. BUT, right before it happens, I turn to my sister and I'm like, "OMG MY FAVORITE PART I'M SO EXCITED TO BE SO SO SAD FOR EDWARD AND HIS SADNESS AND FEELINGS AND WHATNOT" and my sister has the balls to drop this bombshell: "Um...you know I've never read any of these books, right?"
I tried to wrap my mind around that fact as I watched my favorite part get diluted into just another confrontation with Jacob, the whole time thinking, "Why are they ruining this when it could actually be dramatic and real and sad and OH MY GOD MY SISTER IS GOING TO FREAK OUT WHEN HE IMPRINTS LIKE WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT IS LIFE."
Oh my god. How cute was Jacob during the scene when they discovered that Bella needed to drink blood. THE CUTEST.
I'm now realizing that if you are completely unfamiliar with this story, that you are probably like WHY AM I EVEN READING THIS IT IS JUST CRAZY. Welp. It's not going to get less crazy, that's for sure.
I'm forgetting all of the wolf parts, because...meh. Does anyone really care about them? No. They don't.
Three-wolf pack, you guys. no1curr
Again, I do realize we don't have all of the time in the world to tell the first part of this very long story. But. Suddenly Edward can hear the baby talking and he's fully on board, and then BAM. Time to have the baby. Okay. I can deal with this. I'll even let go the whole missing subplot of Jacob vs. The Vampires in the battle of who can better snark, and the moment when they finally give up and love each other. Let's just get to the vampire teeth c-section.
Shit's about to get REAL
Okay, the birth was crazy as hell. I will concede that much. But you know, it was strangely accurate to the book. So. Props? If you are clueless, they have a girl, and they name her Renesmee (*gag*), which is a combination of their mother's names (Renee and Esme, GET IT?). And, well. She looks like a regular old baby.
And then Jacob imprints on her.
You know. As you do when you happen to be there for the birth of your soul mate.
See? It's not really that creepy you guys.
I thought they handled the awkward really well, actually. He basically had a bunch of visions of her when she's like 18, and it was rather sweet in all honesty. And I don't understand people getting their knickers twisted over a mere 18-year age difference when Edward is like 110. So. BLESS.
Did I mention that when the wolf pack finds out about the fact that Bella is pregnant with some half-breed creature that they freak out and decide they need to kill everyone? And that's why Jacob makes his own mini-pack? And that now that he's imprinted on the little freak, they can never hurt her, because the law of imprinting is the most unbreakable law, even if she is half vampire? I love it when loose ends get tied up so tidy. Jacob got to be BAMF as hell, too, when they showed up to do some damage. ME GUSTA.
Oh hai BAMF
I didn't even notice Edward's blood-drenched shirt I mean just performed a c-section with my mouth no biggie
Is this movie ever going to end? Yes. It's going to end with Bella slowly changing into a vampire. She's unconscious for quite a while (days or weeks, I can't remember) and they handled the passage of time and her body slowly changing pretty well. Which led to the last moment of this godforsaken thing, when she finally opens her eyes, and they are red.
This is a manip. There weren't actually trees. Although I wouldn't put it past the tree-loving editor.
Number of other people in the theater with us: 7 (cozy!)
Number of times I recoiled in rage at KStew's inability to do anything but sneer: 8
Number of times RPatz sounded a bit British: 2 (IMPROVEMENT YOU GUYS)
Number of unnecessary yet completely and totally necessary times RPatz was just lying around in underwear: 3
Number of times Jacob made fists and skulked away from someone: 10
Number of different shades of makeup used on RPatz: 5
Number of times montages were employed as a device to show the passage of time: 4 (ENOUGH WITH THE MONTAGES)
Number of schmoopy moments that made me squee: at least 4, plus the Jacob wedding moment I AM ONLY HUMAN
Most annoying wolf: Leah Clearwater
Most favorite wolf besides Jacob: Seth Clearwater
Number of days until Part 2 comes out and I can fully move on with my life: 323
Final Assessment: HOLD ME CLOSER ROBERT PATTINSON
Final Assessment: HOLD ME CLOSER ROBERT PATTINSON
That awkward moment when EVERYTHING