Monday, December 5, 2011

Spoiler Alert: Double Feature of Fail (Cedar Rapids and Sucker Punch)

Looks of resignation and disbelief. About sums up my experiences.

It's quite rare that we watch a movie that is terrible enough to just stop watching it. Very rare. Even rarer? That it happens twice in a row on the same evening. Cedar Rapids and Sucker Punch? Congratulations on your absolutely nothing.

Cedar Rapids stars Ed Helms, who I am growing increasingly bored with. He's a guy who works for an insurance company and is sleeping with his 7th grade teacher, whom he thinks he is in love with. You know, HE'S A REAL SAD SACK. I got excited when, after the first 10 minutes, Thomas Lennon appeared. "OHMYGOD," I mused, "DID HE WRITE THIS BECAUSE IF SO PREPARE FOR GENIUS." No, he didn't write this. Also, he died like 60 seconds later. OMENS.

Since Thomas Lennon is dead, that means that Ed Helms has to go and represent the company at some big insurance conference in Cedar Rapids (SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE). He's nervous. I'm nervous, too, because we're 25 minutes in and so far I don't care about any of these people or things. 

Anne Heche is in this movie.

Hey how's it going so what have you been up to since Everwood got cancelled.

John C. Reilly plays this crazy guy who drinks a lot and whom Ed Helms was warned to stay away from. GUESS WHO HE'S ROOMING WITH. I just can't with how completely lame everything about this movie was. After watching one whole hour and doing a quick internet search, we read the rest of the plot and were like PEACE WE'RE OUT. Ed Helms discovers that Thomas Lennon has been paying off the head of the insurance organization to get his company to win the big award every year, so Ed Helms does the same, but then through a change of character or conscience or whatever he confesses and then leaves and starts his own insurance company. Yeah. Why did someone make this movie.


After that colossal fail, we decided to put in the other movie that we had, Sucker Punch. I remember seeing the trailer before a movie when it was about to be released a while ago, and thinking how stupid it looked. But then I think I read a review of it that said it was pretty kickass, and even though another article in Nylon touted it as the perfect movie to see with your girlfriends (WHY ON EARTH), I still felt like I could add it to the queue and maybe it would be fine.

"Just where do you think you're going?"
"I'm not sure - which layer of the story is this?"

Right off the bat, let me just say that the soundtrack made me want to SUCKER punch myself in the face. The loud and brooding electronica bullshit just made me roll my eyes, like what even are you trying to be already, some kind of goth action movie?

Yes. That's exactly it.

Second to the feeling that you are trapped inside of a never ending Hot Topic commercial, there are the layers. I am not beyond the capacity to understand what you were trying to do here. That's not my issue. My issue is WHAT IN THE HELL IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT. Are we in an insane asylum? Are we in a brothel? Or are we in a video game? The answer doesn't matter, because again, I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF YOU. (I'm looking directly at you, Vanessa Hudgens and Girl From The Real World.)


I read a few reviews discussing the awesome advancement for feminism because of this film. I mean, they were totes joking, right? Sure, these girls are fighting back to escape whatever situation they have been shoved into by some man, but. Um. They're doing it with their boobs and asses flopping around. So. Kind of negating the great strides for women when your big plan is to strip for some guy so your friend has time to steal his map.

We watched the first 30 minutes or so. Entirely too long. I'm still scarred.


Number of minutes collectively watched of both films: Approximately 90

Number of minutes I wish I could get back: 87 (I love you, Thomas Lennon)

Number of times I screamed, "IT'S KURT'S DAD!" when Mike O'Malley appeared: 3

Number of minutes we spent debating whether or not that was actually Anne Heche: 24

Number of uncomfortable moments spent with Sigourney Weaver: 2

Number of minutes spent discussing what the hell was happening in Sucker Punch: 13

Number of audible sighs made during the viewing of Sucker Punch: 6

Number of groans emitted upon hearing the beginning notes of the heavy remix of Bjork's "Army of Me": 2

Number of minutes it took to correctly identify the annoying girl from Stepmom: 8

Final Assessment: I would rather have spent this time deep-cleaning our rugs.

If you get either of these for Christmas, just burn them for warmth.


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