Friday, November 18, 2011

Spoiler Alert: Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon

Transformers 3: When You No Longer Care About Plot, Dialogue or Visual Effects

So many things to say about this. At first I thought I dreamed the whole thing up. This may have been because I fell asleep after the first hour and a half.

This movie is two and a-freaking half hours long.

Michael Bay. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM. These are not stories that require monumental amounts of time to tell. It's all based on a cartoon. They did tell you that, didn't they?

Do I begin with the insane unlikelihood of Shia LaBeouf's new hot girlfriend? Not even actual Shia LaBeouf could pull that kind of heat. Do I even get into the fact that the bad guy in this movie is played by Patrick Dempsey? I don't know if I have the energy. What about Shia's incessant ranting and rambling about how he saved the world twice and no one even knows? And how hard it is to be fresh out of college and without any job prospects? And how the President gave him a medal? ALL OF THIS BITCHERY INCONSEQUENTIAL TO THE ACTUAL PLOT OF THE STORY. And what about the incredibly horrible special effects? I AM DISAPPOINT.

Transformers 3: You May As Well

Let's leave it at this: Did you watch the first Transformers movie? I quite enjoyed it. It was fun. Did you watch the second Transformers movie? That shit was horrible. If you sat through the first two, by all means, watch the third one. You don't want that kind of thing hanging there and haunting you for the rest of your life, like a collection of all of the Lemony Snicket books except for number 13. It's like, what was the point of it all, man, if you don't force yourself to finish the journey, no matter how fruitless or positively mind-numbing it may turn out to be.

But what do I know. I only made it an hour and a half in. And when the husband woke me up, and I asked wearily, "Did they win?" he just looked down at me and said, "Does it really matter? I can't believe that shit was 2 and a half hours long."

And he didn't even say anything as he put the DVD back in the Netflix envelope and sent it to the next inevitably disappointed victim who just wants it to be over.

Final Assessment: Michael Bay is an entertainment terrorist

"I can't believe they made me trim it down from the original run time of 4 hours and 7 minutes. I WAS JUST GETTING STARTED."


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