Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Spoiler Alert: Captain America

I can't.

I need to start this off by saying that I was marginally excited to watch this movie. We have obviously been catching up on the host of individual superhero movies that will ultimately lead into the Avengers movie coming out next year. I was surprised by how much I loved Thor. And you know. Chris Evans isn't that bad to look at.

Or so I thought.

The movie begins with a confrontation at the site of an Egyptian burial. Sarcophagi and whatnot. And who walks in but The Guy From The Matrix Movies. It's probably easier to refer to him as THE RED SKULL. And guess what he's looking for? A BOX OF LIGHT. He kills a guy and leaves. With the power of the box of light. 

World's worst Rubik's Cube.

Then we get introduced to Chris Evans, looking all FREAKISH AND NON-HUMAN. What even were they thinking with this weird, post-production digital editing that made him look like the irritating NYS Lotto mascot, Little Bit of Luck? NO ME GUSTA.

Is this the look you were going for? ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED.

I really couldn't get past how unnatural and insane he looked with his shirt off, and my general irritation continued for the entirety of his time as "Skinny Chris Evans". What we get from the first 20 or so minutes of the movie is that Chris Evans wants to join the army, but the army is all, "Umm...we'll pass." Clearly, it is because he looks like an alien and weighs 65 pounds. He catches the eye of a totes creepy Stanley Tucci (SHOUT OUT TO STANLEY TUCCI, Y'ALL!) who likes this kid's gumption. So he lures him into some strange government program. You know the government, with their programs. They always seem to be injecting people with shit and hoping for the best. Welp.

He meets this lady officer. I'm referring to her as a "lady officer", because it's very important that we be surprised that a lady is an officer. We should be especially surprised when she reveals that she can use a gun. (While her aim is marginally accurate, her sense of spacial relation is completely out of whack, because the car that she's shooting at in the photo below is about 10 blocks away by now. I mean.)

Women can totally do things like shoot guns whilst in heels.

ANYWHO, Chris Evans agrees to go through with the government experiment. He gets injected with many needles, and Tony Stark's dad (my favorite character in this movie) cranks that switch to 11, and then he turns into this super tall and muscly version of Chris Evans. Yay? I don't know. By now I was so put off by the bad special effects and the annoying leading lady that I didn't even oogle his pecs. They're not that great. Meh. After his transformation is complete ("Zee transformation is COMPLETE!"), he notices a shady character pocketing the last vial of whatever they injected him with (which is neon green, natch) and he goes after him. But not before the shady dude kills Stanley Tucci. NOOOO! How will we ever learn anything about this experiment when the only guy who knew what was going on is dead?!?!?!? No time for that. We've got a chase scene on our hands - shady guy by vehicle, Chris Evans by foot (and lady officer standing there shooting at the air, making huge strides for women everywhere). The shady guy eventually jumps into his SUBMARINE SKI BOAT THINGY, that just happened to be waiting for him, but Chris Evans totally jumps on top of that thing and drags him out onto the street! Whaaaaaat?!?!?!? Then I was all, "Yo! Did that guy just eat his own tooth?!?!? What in the...oh...cyanide." So there's that.


You know what I love about Tommy Lee Jones? No matter what role he's playing, he always gives you Tommy Lee Jones. This was no exception. He's been watching Chris Evans for a while now, and even though he was not really feeling Stanley Tucci's crazy experiment, now he needs to get on board, because they've got to figure out why the bad guys wanted the serum. Or whatever it is. But for right now? He thinks he's going to just use Chris Evans as a governmental marketing ploy to get people to buy more bonds. This was honestly the most interesting thing about the plot of this movie to me. 

No, no...keep the mask on.

Chris Evans is tired of performing you guys. He knows that he was made for more than this. After a particularly humiliating performance for the troops, he mopes around like a mope. Lady officer shows up  and it becomes clear that now, we're trying to get some chemistry going between these two. No need. Not interested. Chris Evans hears that his best friend Buckey and the rest of his troop have been captured, but Tommy Lee Jones is all, "What do you want me to do about it?", so Chris Evans steals a chorus girl's helmet and goes off to bring Buckey home. BY HIMSELF. Ok. Long story short, he finds everyone and sets them free, and he also discovers THE RED SKULL and his PLANS FOR DESTROYING THE WORLD. (Why would you want to destroy the world? Where are you going to go? this about the box of light again? Dammit.)

The rest of movie was terribly uninteresting to me. More attempt at making a romantic connection between Chris Evans and lady officer, Buckey falls off of a moving train and dies, lots of shooting and punching, THE RED SKULL gets destroyed. And in a final act of valor, Chris Evans flies his plane into the arctic in order to prevent the crazy weapon from detonating over the US. IN ANY EVENT, at the end of the movie, he wakes up in a room, and it's quite obvs that someone has tried to make it seem like it's still the 1940s, but he notices something weird about the baseball game that's being broadcast, and he runs out of the room (which is funny, because it's a fake wall) and then into present day Times Square. Cue Samuel L. Jackson. END MOVIE.


Number of times I complained about crappy bobble-headed skinny Chris Evans: 5

Number of times I yelled "STANLEY TUCCI!!!": 1

Using a scale of 1 to 10, how I would rate how annoying I found lady officer: 8

Using a scale of 1 to 10, how I would rate how much I love Tommy Lee Jones: 10

Best character: Tony Stark's dad

Worst character: That douchebag blonde soldier who TLJ recommended to be the guy Stanley Tucci experimented on

Favorite Avenger thus far: Tony Stark Forever

Final Assessment: Iron Man > Thor > Iron Man 2 > Captain America

On one last note, as I was doing a google image search for stills from this movie, this one was randomly in the mix. I mean, there were a million pages of Captain America pictures and then SUDDENLY SPIDERMAN. I'm not going to let it go to waste, sitting all lonely like in a sea of Chris Evans wearing a leather helmet and one million images of the same movie poster. You can't leave Spidey in a world like that.

Why must you taunt me with your mislabeled tagging? WHYYYYYYYY?!?!?


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