Monday, October 10, 2011

Spoiler Alert: Your Highness

Wait for it to get good, and you will be waiting 102 minutes and end up disappointed.

I tried. I really did.

What in the fresh hell is this movie supposed to be? Is it supposed to be a comedy? Because it's not very funny. Is is supposed to be mocking medieval adventure movies? Because it doesn't. I'm having a hard time understanding why so much money was spent on a movie like this, that is neither exciting nor good. 

OMG. I just read that the budget for this movie was nearly $50 million.

The breakdown of the plot goes like this:

Danny McBride is a slacker version of a prince. His older brother James Franco is always going on quests and being amazing and everyone loves him. Danny McBride is tres jealous. On his latest quest, James Franco saves Zooey Deschanel (don't let's get me started) from a crazy wizard (played by The Baxter's Justin Theroux) and now they're getting married. Only Justin Theroux crashes the wedding and steals Zooey back, because he needs her for some two-moon virgin ritual so that she can birth him a dragon. What in the even.

So now James Franco and Danny McBride are going on a quest to save her.

I'll interject here for a moment with some unsettling news. Though both the title and the trailer for this movie would lead one to believe that this is a comedy about two stoners on a crazy misadventure, THERE IS NO SMOKING OF WEED. I will once again vocalize my distaste for all people charged with the editing and producing of deceitful movie trailers, for which I am certain there is a special layer of hell.

Okay, they do smoke weed that one time. In a scene with a puppet that is so uncomfortable that I really don't care to be thinking about it ever again.

At some point Natalie Portman shows up. She is also on a quest to defeat Justin Theroux.

I would totally spoil the ending for you, but I fell asleep about 10 minutes before it ended, and I honestly don't give a crap.


Estimated budget: $49,9000,000

Estimated gross: $24,856,478

Number of times the husband and I commented on how it seemed like they spent an awful lot of money on such a surprisingly crappy movie: 4

Number of times the dropping of an expletive was used as comedic device: 7 or so. Which is about 6 too many, if you're wondering.

Number of times the husband reminded me that Natalie Portman used a body double for the thong scene, before it even happened: 3

Number of times the husband reminded me that Natalie Portman used a body double for the thong scene, as it was happening: 1

Number of different genres that this movie tried to be: at least 4 (comedy, adventure, fantasy, action)

Number of different genres that this movie was successful at being: 1 (piece of crap)

Final assessment: This makes me like The Switch a whole lot more.

Not Natalie Portman's ass.


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