Monday, October 24, 2011

Spoiler Alert: Thor (with BONUS Actual Conversation!)

COME AT ME BRO

We watched Thor on Saturday night. With the kids. They enjoyed it, and the girl was able to follow along pretty well, asking a fairly minimal amount of questions such as, "Who is that guy? Where are they? Why is he cold? Who's that guy's name again?"

The movie starts with a crazy war between Asgard and Jotunheim. Odin (you know, Anthony Hopkins) is there to steal some box with a light in it. I don't know. It's got powers. And then he's all hanging out with his two sons, Thor and Loki, and he's like, "Frost Giants, amirite? Good thing I stole that box of light from them. You know? You'll see what I mean when one of you is king." But he's clearly looking at Thor when he says this, and Loki is like WTF.

So the day finally comes when Anthony Hopkins is ready to hand over the throne, and just as he's about to name Thor king, WHOOMP THERE IT IS. There are some Frost Giants on the premises, and they be freezing dudes so they can steal back their light box. But then the Destroyer shows up looking like a villain from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, and  he kills guys. After this happens, Thor is all jacked up and is like, "LET'S GO AND KILL MORE FROST GIANTS YOU GUYS", and Anthony Hopkins is just shaking his head like, "Will you never learn? NO KING FOR YOU." And Loki is all smug.

LIKE A KING.

But Thor rallies up his friends and Loki and makes them all cross the bridge to Jotunheim and they proceed to kill dudes for a while. And then there is some freaky beast that gets unleashed and tries to kill all of Thor's friends, so he just throws his hammer at that thing and it flies out of the back of its throat and kills it. Awesome. Also during this time, we learn that allegedly, someone from Asgard let the Frost Giants in. WHO COULD IT BE NOW.

Then Odin shows up. He's not happy y'all. He brings everyone back to Asgard and tells Thor that he is BANISHED! He strips away his powers and sends him to the most heinous place in all of the galaxy - EARTH, BITCH. (Why is Earth always the worst place to get banished to? It's because we are the worst you guys.) And then, to add insult to injury, he throws Thor's mighty hammer through an opposite portal, but not before whispering an enchantment that is basically like, "Only the person who is worthy shall lift this, with the courage and honor of Thor." I paraphrased. But, you get it.

Remember before, when I said that the movie started with a war? Well. The movie *actually*  started with a scene from Earth, but it gets replayed a second time so I didn't mention it until now. (Way to make the movie 5 minutes longer than necessary, movie-makers.) Natalie Portman is a scientist (I know. I laughed, too.). She and Kat Dennings (also a scientist, and worth a more hearty chuckle) and some old dude are driving around looking at stars and stuff, and then they hit Thor with their jeep. I KNOW. So they go check out the situation, and he's all, "What realm is this?" and Natalie Portman is like, "Realm? What? What is this guy talking about? Ok, let's go." Who hits a person with their jeep in the middle of the desert and is ready to roll after they stand up? Anyway, blah blah blah, he's looking for his hammer, and blah blah blah we should take him to the hospital.

MEANWHILE, BACK ON ASGARD, Loki is trying to open the light box and I still don't understand what it is, but whatever because Odin shows up and drops a bombshell - Loki is actually a Frost Giant that he saved during that war and raised as his son. OH SNAP. And then Loki freaks out at him! And then Odin passes out! And then Loki is like, "GUARDS!" which I suspect is something he has always wanted to shout with urgency. 

Thor is in the hospital. And it's confusing to him. So he beats up some doctors and stuff.




Odin is dying. And he's laying in his little protective light bed, and Loki is like, "Welp. Guess this means I get to be king now. BALLER."

Natalie Portman discovers that Thor (if that is his real name) was part of the weird cosmic event that she was staring at when she hit him with her jeep, so she and the other two race back to the hospital to ask him some questions. But he's gone. And then she backs into him with her jeep. I mean. They go back to the lab (lab? research place? apartment?) and she gives him some clothes (ABS) and then he's like, "THOR HUNGRY. FEED THOR." So they go to a diner and it's funny because HE EATS A LOT OF PANCAKES AND EGGS YOU GUYS. And he likes coffee! And he breaks things! SQUEEEEE! He hears people talking about the hammer that no one can lift, and he's like, "Peace out - gotta get that hammer. Bitches love hammers." And then it's all awkward because Natalie Portman doesn't want him to leave but she pretends like she doesn't care. Ugh.

Loki makes himself king. All of Thor's friends are like, "Hey, Loki. Now that you're king, hows about you lift that banishment on your brother?" and he's like, "Lemme think about it um NOPE. Can't have my first order of business being undoing my father's last order of business, KWIM? So. Imma just wear this awkward Early Magneto helmet and think about how to ruin Asgard, kay?"

Honestly with this helmet.

Natalie Portman runs into Thor outside of a pet store. As happens. She offers him a ride. He says he will tell her things. Just as soon as he gets his hammer. (I'm trying really hard you guys, but I'm not going to make a "The hammer is my penis" reference. Except for that one.) So then it's this stakeout situation and OF COURSE IT'S RAINING, and he just runs in and starts taking guys down. And then this actual conversation happened:

The husband: Oh my god, is that Hawkeye? Oh my god it's Hawkeye.

Me: Who's Hawkeye? Is he a superhero?

The husband: It's Jeremy Renner. He's one of the Avengers.

Me: So he's a superhero?

The husband: Well, he doesn't have any powers. I mean, he's a mortal. He's like a really great marksman.

Me: So is he like a member of S.H.I.E.L.D.?

The husband: He's an Avenger. They're all members of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Me: But he's not really a superhero like the Avengers tho.

The husband: Yes. He's the founding member of the Avengers.

Me: But he's not getting his own movie. I mean. He's not really a superhero.

The husband: *shaking head* Oh my god.

Thor finally gets to the hammer, but guess what you guys? He can't lift it. Because HE HASN'T LEARNED HIS LESSON YET.

Presented without caption.

Agent Coulson asks him a bunch of questions and then when he leaves, Loki shows up and tells Thor that Odin is dead (lies!) so now he is king. And he's like, "Sorry, you're still banished. Nice talk." and then he leaves. The old guy scientist shows up and gets Thor out of there. Thor has a nice talk with Natalie Portman about her research, and he tells her all about realms and magic and science and flannel shirts and beards.

"I'm very interested in your research about the galaxy."
"I'm very interested in your beard and your flannel shirt."

Loki goes to Jotunheim and tells the Frost Giant king that he's going to let him come into Asgard, take back their light box and kill Odin on his death bed for revenge. And the Frost Giant is all, "I ACCEPT." When Loki gets back to Asgard, he tells the gate keeper not to let anyone go to Jotunheim. But guess what? HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT EARTH, Y'ALL.

Thor's friends decide to go to Earth to save him. But when Loki finds out what they've done, he sends the Destroyer after them to, you know, destroy Earth. This makes Thor mad, and he's all, "Loki! Why are you doing this? This planet is full of innocent people! Why would you want to destroy it just because you're mad at me? Just kill me and save everyone else." (Dear Thor, thanks for the kind words. But. There are actually a lot of shitty people on this planet. Like, A LOT. So. Let's not lump us all together okay.) So then the Destroyer takes Thor down. And then my favorite theatrical device of all times is employed - THE SINGLE TEAR, shed by Odin in his sleep. Suddenly, Thor has proved himself by sacrificing himself for the many, and his hammer goes shooting through the air and reunites with him, and then he gets his armor back and HE IS THOR AND HE KICKS THE DESTROYER'S ASS and then he's all, "Gotta go back to Asgard, Natalie Portman. I'll come back for you someday." and she's like, "Kay." And then they kiss and he goes back to Asgard.

He's such a gentleman. Also, ABS.

So back at the bridge, Loki is about to destroy all of Jotunheim (what is with this guy and the annihilation of entire races of beings?) and Thor is like, "What are you doing? This is wrong!" and Loki is like, "You've gone all soft," and Thor is like, "People change," and Loki is like, "But you're not a person. You're a god," and then Thor is like, "You get what I mean," and then Loki is like, "I guess I do. But no matter. KILL ALL OF THE THINGS!" And they fight on the bridge, and then Thor realizes that to stop Loki he needs to destroy the bridge, and Loki is all, "If you destroy the bridge, you'll never see her again!" and Thor is like, "I will find a waaaaaaaaaaaay!" and he destroys the bridge and it's crazy and Loki is about to fall so Thor grabs him, and then Thor is about to fall and OMG ODIN GRABS HIM. So they're all hanging there, and Loki is like ,"Eff this, I'm out," and he lets go and falls into nothingness. Or another realm. Or someplace else, because obviously he's the bad guy in the Avengers movie, so we know he's not dead.

"And BOOM goes the dynamite."

And then Thor is like, "THAT WAS CRAZY RIGHT." And there is a big party. And Thor is sad. Because he misses Natalie Portman. And the gate keeper is like, "I can see her. She looks for you." And Natalie Portman is on Earth, charting stars and trying to find Thor, and it's like, "AWWWWWWWWWWWW."

END MOVIE. OR IS IT?

Stats:

Estimated number of capes in this movie: 5,842 (there were a lot of capes, ok)

The one bad green screen moment: Thor and Natalie Portman driving to the hammer site. It was just bad. But visually, everything else was awesome.

Number of times ABS: One time. One perfectly drawn out time.

Number of times I gritted my teeth and refrained from shouting about how much I dislike Natalie Portman: 5

Number of times I shouted about how much I dislike Natalie Portman: 2

Number of drawn-out arguments about whether or not Hawkeye is a superhero: 2

Number of times I shouted out "IT'S GOING TO BE CAPTAIN AMERICA" during the extra post-credits teaser: 4

Number of times it was Captain America: Zero. WTF. And I don't remember the name of the NEW block of light in the suitcase that has something to do with the Avengers movie. WHY IS EVERYTHING A BLOCK OF LIGHT.

Final Assessment: I loved it. YAAAAAAAY THOR!

Y YOU NO TEASE CAPTAIN AMERICA???


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