Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Spoiler Alert: The Mechanic

Badass? I guess? To be fair, he didn't know you were taking his picture.

This might surprise you, but this is not really the kind of film that I am usually into. The husband loves a good straight-up action movie, so every once in a while I roll my eyes and fold some laundry or knit while it plays in the background. If nothing else, I take great pleasure in making fun of them when they are really bad.

But here's where I surprised myself - I kind of liked this movie. I KNOW RIGHT.

So Jason Statham is an assassin (that sounds so much more mysterious than hit man, amirite?), and he works for a company, and it's pretty much UNCLEAR what this company is, but whatever, DETAILS. He gets paid (I assume? I mean, we never see a monetary transaction, but he has a sweet pad and a cool car and a very expensive turntable that you are not allowed to touch, so...) to kill people and make it look like a natural death/suicide/not murder. NO LOOSE ENDS, is the point.

That awkward moment when you're having breakfast with Donald Sutherland, and the only thing you can think about is his narration work for The Pokey Little Puppy's First Christmas, so you don't say anything, and then ten minutes after he leaves you're like, "I SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT M*A*S*H."
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Donald Sutherland is another assassin(!) and pretty much Jason Statham's only friend (*tears* He's lonely you guys). And you will never believe this but Jason Statham's next job IS TO KILL DONALD SUTHERLAND. I KNOW. DILEMMA OF MORALS RIGHT HERE. So he kills him. And I think he feels kind of bad about the whole thing.

Donald Sutherland had a son, who is kind of a bum. It's Ryan Gosling Light, a.k.a. Ben Foster! I spent a great deal of this movie wishing that he was Ryan Gosling, or trying to imagine that he was actually Ryan Gosling, or talking about Ryan Gosling (Did that get annoying, husband? I'll bet not, because Ryan Gosling is a pretty interesting guy. Did you know that he was once asked to audition for The Backstreet Boys, but he turned it down? Dodged a real bullet there.).

"I'm not Ryan Gosling. Please get over it."
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Jason Statham feels guilty about killing R.G.L.'s dad, so he decides to take him under his wing and teach him how to be an assassin(!). The only trouble is, R.G.L. is a bit of a ROGUE, and he likes to DO THINGS ON HIS OWN TERMS. This can be a problem when you're trying to make things not look like murders, and all R.G.L. wants to do is get into stabbing fights and shoot people in their faces. THINGS GET TRICKY when Jason Statham's boss gets twitchy about the fact that he's working with R.G.L. (He should just get his name legally changed to that, right?)

TEAMWORK YOU GUYS

I don't want to give anything away, but yet I will. THE WHOLE DONALD SUTHERLAND THING WAS A SET UP. IT WAS ALL A RUSE. FOR SOME REASON THAT I WAS UNABLE TO FOLLOW BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY FOLDING LAUNDRY AND WATCHING IN BEMUSEMENT AS THE HUSBAND CHANGED THE AUDIO SETTINGS ONE MILLION TIMES. So. Now Jason Statham wants revenge. So he goes after his boss with the help of the Notorious R.G.L. 

But then R.G.L. discovers (finally) that Jason Statham was the one who killed his dad. THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN THE DUDE WHO TOOK YOU IN AND TAUGHT YOU HOW TO BE AN ASSASSIN IS THE ONE WHO ASSASSINATED YOUR DAD WHO WAS ALSO AN ASSASSIN.

Honestly badass this time tho.
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I'll let you guess who survives in the end. 

After the movie was over, we learned that this was a remake of an old Charles Bronson movie. BADASS LEVEL ACHIEVEMENT OF 1 MILLION. CHARLES BRONSON IS THE MAN.

My mind? Is blown.
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Stats:

Reasons to watch this movie: 3.5 (good action, lots of blood, awesome ending (+.5 for 7 seconds of nice boobs))

Reasons not to watch this movie: 1 (that guy is not Ryan Gosling)

Number of times the Blu-Ray seized and I cursed Netflix: 3

Number of scenes we missed because the Blu-Ray seized: 2

Number of times I yelled "OH SNAP!": Just once, at the end

Final Assessment: I would totally watch a sequel of this movie. Provided it also stars Ryan Gosling.

Much better.
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EDITOR'S NOTE: So I had the husband proofread this review, and he pointed out several glaring inconsistencies with my description of the plot. I guess I didn't pay attention as closely as I thought I did. RYAN GOSLING.

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