Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Spoiler Alert: The Adjustment Bureau

WE LOVE HATS, AND WE DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS.

I think that I might love Matt Damon. I mean. I initially thought that this movie looked dumb, and seemed incredibly similar to Inception, which was released just before it. I had my bar set low.

But then, Matt Damon.

HE IS CAPTIVATING. And is it just me, or has he not aged at all in the last 15 years? SORCERY.

"I'm like Tinkerbell, Finn. I need applause to survive."

So Matt Damon is a very young congressman who is running for a seat in the U.S. Senate. He's kind of a loose canon, and is known for speaking his mind and occasionally punching dudes in the face while out at the bar. (At least he's not tweeting pics of his junk, amirite?) He's way ahead in the polls when suddenly, a photo of him mooning some dude at his college reunion gets leaked to The Post (REPUTABLE SOURCE OF TRUE FACTS), and he loses the election. (Sidebar: Photos of Matt Damon's ass would earn my vote for any politician.) 

He goes to the bathroom to practice his concession speech, and then suddenly EMILY BLUNT! She appears from within a stall, where she was hiding after crashing a wedding. And she is lovely! And Matt Damon is like WHAT ARE THESE FEELINGS. And then they are MAKING OUT!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOW!

You married Jim Halpert. That's all I can think about.

So then Matt Damon's aide comes in and is like, "We've gotta go bro. Time to lose." And he's like, "BUT THIS ENCHANTING LADY HAS ENTERED MY LIFE CAN I JUST," and the aide, who looks like a young Elliot Spitzer, is like, "Seriously bro. Speech, tho." And then there are security guards looking for Emily Blunt, because of, you know, the wedding crashing thing, and she runs down the escalator, presumably never to be seen again.

It's not Elliot Spitzer. I checked IMDB. Twice.

Matt Damon's speech is full of truths about the facade that is politics, and we grow to love him more because of his honesty. In real life, no one would ever do this, which is depressing.

So then it's the next day, and he's about to start his new job with his bro Not Elliot Spitzer (NES), and for some reason he gets on a different bus, and OHEMGEE EMILY BLUNT IS ON THIS BUS!

I'll cut in here for a moment, because it's important that you know that there is a team of people tracking Matt Damon's every move, ensuring that everything he does goes according to The Plan. The Plan is a preordained series of events decided about by The Chairman. The Adjustment Bureau is a group of Dudes With Hats who occasionally need to Slightly Modify People's Decisions in order to keep with The Plan. So this Dude With A Hat named Harry is in charge of following Matt Damon, and it's Super Important that he make sure that Matt Damon Spills Some Coffee on His Shirt in the next Three Minutes so that he Doesn't Show Up At Work While The Adjustment Bureau Is In The Process Of Altering NES's Decision To Back Matt Damon's Idea To Buy Into Producing Solar Panels THIS IS ALL VERY IMPORTANT.

The weird thing is that Emily Blunt JUST HAPPENED to be on the bus, and Matt Damon ends up NOT Spilling His Coffee on Himself - rather, he spills it on Emily Blunt. And they have some adorable banter and she gives him her number and it's like YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!! FATE!!!!!!!!!!

You were never supposed to see them, Matt Damon. You in some shit now.

Matt Damon is not late for work. Matt Damon sees The Adjustment Bureau altering NES's brain. Matt Damon freaks out. There is a chase. He is zip-tied to a chair (OKAY). He is told about The Adjustment Bureau, and they are serious you guys. If he ever tells anyone any single thing about them, they have direct orders to reboot his system, if you know what I mean. (I don't know what I mean. I think he'll go crazy or something like that.) I wish I had a joke about John Slattery, but I don't watch Mad Men. They also convey to him that he needs to just go ahead and FORGET ABOUT EMILY BLUNT, because she is NOT PART OF THE PLAN. They are so serious that they even set her phone number on fire. THAT'S COLD, JOHN SLATTERY (Mad Men reference).

THREE YEARS LATER. (Seriously) Matt Damon has been riding the same bus that is not his usual bus EVERY DAY for THREE YEARS in hopes that he will see Emily Blunt again. AND GUESS WHAT YOU GUYS?!?!?!?!?!?!?! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HE TOTALLY FINDS HER!!!! And she is like, "You are crazy! Why didn't you call me! I can't believe you rode the bus for three years! Let's have babies!!!!!"

The Adjustment Bureau is mad. Because this is the third time that she has randomly appeared by coincidence, and they can't understand why it keeps happening as she is not part of The Plan. 

I'M A MODERN DANCER.

But see, Matt Damon knows that The Adjustment Bureau is trying to keep them apart, but he can't escape the feeling that they belong together, so he's like, "I NEED TO KEEP YOU AROUND ME ALL OF THE TIME BUT I CAN'T REALLY EXPLAIN I JUST DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU AGAIN," and she's like, "Cool." So then The Bureau is freaking out and trying to make all of these things happen to break them apart and NES shows up randomly and is like, "HEY. TIME TO MAKE YOUR SPEECH. DOESN'T THAT SUCK HOW THIS ALWAYS KEEPS HAPPENING." 

Matt Damon is running for Senate again. Emily Blunt is practicing for her dance show. Stuff and things that further the plot. Matt Damon is not supposed to see her dancing, because then he will definitely fall in love with her. But Mad Men Patrol uses up all of their diversions (Because of the ripples, you know? If you alter too much of the future, shit gets cray.) and he sees her and WE KNOW FOR REAL NOW AFTER THE THIRD TIME. LOOOOOOOOOVE.

Matt Damon is sneaky. They need to call in the big guns. It took us a few minutes to figure out why he looked familiar. OHMYGOD.

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD

HE'S MAD YOU GUYS. He starts doing really crazy things, like MESSING WITH MATT DAMON'S EMOTIONS. Matt Damon makes a pretty good plea for why he feels like he and Emily Blunt need to be together, and Zod is all, "WHATEVER WHATEVER I DO WHAT I WANT". But then he lets Matt Damon go to watch the dance performance anyway, giving him a false sense of CHOICE.

I may have mocked this performance a little bit. Because modern dance is funny.

Matt Damon is so happy watching her, and then Zod has to go and show up and be all, "JUST SO YOU KNOW, she's about to become a super famous dancer, because that's Her Plan. And if you choose to be with her, she's going to end up a dance teacher for 6-year-olds. So. MULL THAT OVER, DREAM KILLER." Then he waves his hand and she falls down and busts her ankle. WTF ZOD WHY YOU GOTTA BE LIKE THAT.

Matt Damon goes with her to the hospital, and he realizes that he can't be with her on account of her dreams, so he's like, "I've got to make some phone calls" and then he JUST LEAVES HER AT THE HOSPITAL. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU MATT DAMON?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Fast forward 11 months (such a weird amount of time to fast forward to, but.) and Matt Damon is campaigning in upstate NY (REPRESENT) and we freak out because local anchor Dan Bazile is on the television in the shot!!!! OMG!!!!!! Matt Damon is way ahead in the polls and chillin' with some peeps on a farm, and then NES calls him over and is like, "Check out this newspaper. Emily Blunt is marrying some choreographer that she probably doesn't love, because she probably still loves you. Isn't that sad?"

SO MATT DAMON IS DEPRESSED BY THIS.

There is a lot of stuff that I left out wherein Harry tells Matt Damon a bunch of secrets about The Adjustment Bureau. That happened a long while ago. My bad. So Matt Damon goes back to the bar where they met up, and Harry has left him a note that is telling him to meet him somewhere so that he can HELP HIM BE WITH EMILY BLUNT BECAUSE HARRY THINKS THAT THEY BELONG TOGETHER EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT IN THE PLAN.

Time to memorize every door in Manhattan. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

The reason why The Bureau is so good at messing with Matt Damon is that when they are wearing their special hats, they can walk through any door and it will lead them to a completely different area of the city. So Matt Damon has to memorize all of the doors and where they lead to (!) TONIGHT, so that he can stop Emily Blunt's wedding at City Hall. SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN.

There is a Big Chase, and he Finds Emily Blunt, and he Reveals The Adjustment Bureau (UH-OH TIME FOR YOUR LOBOTOMY) , and he Drags Emily Blunt Through Doors, and she is like WHAT DA HELL, and they get to the Statue of Liberty, and Matt Damon is like, "Here is the deal. You can come through this door and be with me forever, or you can stay here and never see me again," and she is all, "I CHOOSE YOU LET'S DO THIS THING" and Matt Damon turns the doorknob in the opposite direction and gets INSIDE OF THE BUREAU. He's trying to find The Chairman, presumably to appeal to him that he loves Emily Blunt and he doesn't care what they do to him because he will always find a way to be with her. And they get chased by everyone and then they are like, "Welp. This is it." and they are kissing and then it's like, "GUESS WHAT GUYS. THE CHAIRMAN CHANGED THE PLAN SO YOU CAN BE TOGETHER BECAUSE OBVS THIS IS LOVE WHICH IS BIGGER THAN GOD. WORD UP."

And that's the end. Seriously.

Stats:

Approximate Age of Matt Damon: 41

Matt Damon Looks: 30

Number of Times I Mocked Modern Dance By Flailing My Body Around: 2

Number of Times I Wished Matt Damon Was Really Running For Senate: 4

Number of Times I Wanted to Make an Inappropriate Joke About Philip K. Dick: 4

Number of Times I Silently Sang The Fedora Song From SNL: 8

Final Assessment: Enjoyable




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