Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Pass The Clicker: GLEEdiculous - 03x01: "The Purple Piano Project"

You know, I wasn't even going to watch this season. After the complete and utter disaster that was Season 2, I vowed that I was washing my hands of this tragically unwell trainwreck of frustration.

But. Here I am. Back for more. Because I need to know how you could possibly foul it up worse.

I was delighted that it could, in fact, get much MUCH worse, in the span of just 60 minutes.

"Back to being a dope I guess. Welp."

So we all knew the opening would be another Jacob Ben Israel montage, catching us all up on what went down over summer break. What a great opportunity to finally declare what grade everyone is in! Because the school troll who spends his days all up in everyone's bidness HAD NO CLUE UNTIL JUST NOW. (Kurt is now magically a Senior, even though he always seemed much younger than Finn, particularly in Season 1, but. NO TIME FOR CONTINUITY.)

Apparently we're supposed to be liking Finn again, as he has once again turned from major douchebag to sorrowful puppy. I am really beyond any shred of ability to give two shits about Finchel, so I'm kind of hoping for asshole Finn to return at some point. YES. HE LIKES TO SHOVE PEOPLE.

Also, the hockey team is back. WHY. You may recall that they were the original slushie-tossers in Season 1 (and Karofsky was a member), but then in Season 2 they were changed to the football team (and Karofsky was also a member, which confuses me, but. NO TIME FOR CONTINUITY.). Well. We're back to the hockey team now, I guess because getting slushied is somehow going to be central to Finn's character development this year? CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT! Look at me, dreaming big over here.

My beloved Sam Evans is written off the show with one line: "His dad got a new job, out of state." I HATE.

Mercedes has a new boyfriend though! A never-before-seen-which-is-hard-to-believe-because-he-weighs-400-pounds-football-player named Bubba! Who is also Travis' college roommate on Cougar Town! (YES I WATCH THAT SHOW IT'S FUNNY WHAT OF IT) And he was also on Friday Night Lights! (No. I didn't watch that show. What of it.) So. All of that independent woman stuff that Mercedes was all about last year (which, come to think of it, Rachel and Kurt were all about as well...) is a thing of the past! CONTINUITY!

"Married by 30...LEGALLLLLYYYYYY!"
(Gif Source)

Oh, Kurt. I just can't with all of the sassy one-liners and your tiny scarf. I will say I'm extremely interested in the Kurtchel developments from this episode, because remember how much you hated each other, and then loved each other, and then hated each other, and then loved each other? I guess we're sticking with the love thing. ME GUSTA. 

Speaking of love. I'm nearly ashamed to admit this, but.

This was honestly my favorite part of the episode. I don't understand what is happening to me. I spent most of last season hating Blaine with a burning passion, as he is essentially Kurt 2.0 and, were this real life, would not seriously ever date Kurt. But now? NOW? Especially with the writing-off of my favorite hot, blonde, and forever head-canon gay football player? They're killing me here.

This is hot, okay. WERK THAT BOWTIE BITCH.
(Gif Source)

I'm finding it confusing that a kid that had to transfer out of public school for being beaten up and tormented by homophobes would suddenly be interested in leaving the safe-haven of a private school where he gets all of the solos and going to a different public school, where it is known that there are bullies that already pick on Kurt. But I guess because Karofsky wasn't in this episode, we're over all of that? I mean, the student body seemed super receptive of Blaine's impromptu courtyard performance of "It's Not Unusual" by Tom Jones, know what? Forget it.

*le sigh*
(Gif Source)

Quinn is now some punk rebel weirdo. I don't even know, you guys. Such horrible writing involved with her few short appearances this episode. Rachel was like, "I knew that cutting you hair in New York was the beginning of something new, but had I known it would lead to this..." Uh. What? Yet another strange relationship where these two have both hated and then tolerated each other on and off constantly. WHEN WILL IT END. No seriously. When will it end. I'm saving these last two shits to give for a special occasion.

I largely do not care about Artie, Tina, or Mike Chang. Like, not even enough to search for a gif.

Lauren Zizes is gone from the club now (WHYYYYY), leaving Puck single and looking as 40 as ever. The only positive I can see with this new Quinn situation is that there is a shred of hope that she and Puck will get back together somehow. I MEAN. QUICK TEARS.

Wemma. Does anyone really care about them? Anyone??? I have always hated Will Schuester, mostly because he is just this annoying wimp who lets the kids in Glee say whatever they want and basically be horrible to each other right in front of him, and he's always like, "Hey, guys. Come on, guys. Let's do this thing, guys." I was greatly disturbed by how much he talked about his sex life in this episode. NOT INTERESTED IN YOU PLEASE BRING BACK THE TENDERONI TWENTY-SOMETHING TEENAGERS FOR ME TO OGLE THANKS.

I mean, please don't let this season be about any adult storylines, because...

Oh, great.

Sue is running for public office. 

And her platform is anti-arts programs in schools. Which is apparently a semi-popular opinion in Lima, Ohio. What? That's like saying it would be totally logical for Will Schuester to dump a bucket of glitter all over Sue's head as a form of protest to this sentiment.

(Gif Source)


I loved that Bieste was back in this episode, though, and I loved that she was eating a whole rotisserie chicken for lunch. NEED MORE BIESTE PLEASE. She is pretty much the only adult character that I care about.

Truth Time: I had to fast forward through this number, because I just couldn't stand it.

I can't handle Rachel's overdramatic facial expressions any longer. When she started off "You Can't Stop the Beat"? I WANTED TO PUNCH.

Speaking of people I'd like to punch:

You make me so glad that I did not waste my time watching "The Glee Project".
(Gif Source)
Crossing my fingers that the incredibly annoying crew of Glee Project rejects that made up the troop of overzealous NYADA teens will not return. Because. Even though I felt that this whole scene was genius, as it finally made Kurt and Rachel realize that they are not the only talented kids in Ohio and that perhaps they need to understand that they are members of the real world, I honestly spent most of these 4 minutes fantasizing about lighting the whole room on fire. 

No thanks.
(Gif Source)

Safe to say I'm not interested in Sugar, either. I'm annoyed enough by the old characters without any new ones making me crazy, thanks. Her character is just ridiculous. Completely untalented, totally annoying, and I'm pretty sure that I'm offended on the behalf of people with Asperger's Syndrome that the writers decided it would be funny to have her spew inappropriate things and then say that she has self-diagnosed Asperger's as an explaination. Just. To quote Artie, "Oh...what da hell."

"God I hate my life."
Just taking a moment to recognize my favorite background character of all times, Brad the piano man. I LOVE HOW MUCH YOU SILENTLY RAGE, BRAD. Keep up the good work!

Did you notice that so far, I haven't really said much about anything that happened in this episode? It's because largely, NOTHING HAPPENED. Apart from the general character development fuckery, approximately one million storylines were half-heartedly set up (don't worry, I'm not holding my breath for anything to become of anything that was said in this ep - I learned my lesson last season), and overall, nothing went down.

Except for Santana setting a piano on fire and getting kicked out of Glee for holding allegiance to Sue so that she could remain co-captain of the Cheerios with Becky.

Yes. That happened. And there were no arrests.


1 comment:

  1. But the good things! The line about glitter and monkey grooming! And the scene in the car where they have to face to fact that the world is full of talented people who never ever go anywhere... Oh, they kind of dodged that one.