Friday, August 5, 2011

Spoiler Alert: The Switch

I promise it gets worse from here. Also, this happens about 30 minutes into the thing.

When a comedy isn't funny, and you spend most of the duration of the film wondering how it is that Jennifer Aniston still gets work playing the same character repeatedly, and then you realize that this isn't really a drama that you're watching either, what do you call that?

No really, I'd like to know.

It bothers me (BOTHERED!) that there is an entire industry of people whose job it is to trick people into paying to watch movies that they think are one thing, when really, they are another thing entirely. Remember the trailer for this alleged “comedy”? Let me refresh your memory real easy like:





I'm going to be really honest with you. If you just watched the trailer? You pretty much saw the movie. The only reason, and I will have to write that again with some emphasis, THE ONLY REASON to watch the full version of this film is to get more Jeff Goldblum. He was, by far, the shining beacon of light in an otherwise barren comedy wasteland. A close second reason to watch this is Juliette Lewis, who is only in about 4 scenes, and a third and mostly depressing reason would be if you would like something on in the background while you're folding four loads of laundry with your husband too late at night.

Jennifer Aniston. Bless your heart. I mean, I've literally got nothing.

"It is funny that I'm trying to pass for 30-something, isn't it!"

Jason Bateman. Where did things go wrong, man. I greatly enjoy you, and I will even go so far as to say that you had a couple of lovely moments in this thing. But my god. I can only let it go so long before I'm just sitting here like, “Welp. TEEN WOLF TOO WAS WATCHABLE THO.”

Here's the best worst thing about this movie. THE ENDING IS SO TERRIBLE. You're never going to believe this, but Jason Bateman and Jennifer Aniston end up together in the end. YOU READ THAT RIGHT. 101 minutes, man, and you get the reward of the most predictable and shitty ending of all time.

BUT WAIT. IT GETS BETTER.

So as we get to the point where Aniston is like, “Welp. I guess I love you or something, as it turns out that you are not only the guy who impregnated me when you dumped Patrick Wilson's semen into my bathroom sink and replaced it with your own, but you are ALSO my best buddie of all times and I'm in my 40s so let's do this thing,” and Jason Bateman is like, “Will you marry me?” and then there is this really awkward (like last scene of Season 2 Glee when Blaine is like, “I love you” and then there is a literal 20 second pause before Kurt is like, “I love you, too?”) pause and Aniston looks like she wants to vomit and she says, with much defeat in her tone, “Probably,” and then they kiss and it's just not satisfying at all, you're left sitting there like “What in the actual hell am I watching right now. I wonder if Teen Wolf Too is streaming.”

Who needs romance, at this point? I'm just glad that all of the laundry got folded.
(Image Source)

BUT HERE IS THE SECRETLY BEST WORST PART OF ALL.

THERE IS AN ALTERNATE ENDING.

Oh my god. Everything becomes clear when you watch the alternate ending, which some poor test audience had to watch and then be like, “Whaaaaaaaat? Are you serious? Oh. You're serious. Welp.”

There is a reason why Aniston looks so constipated and defeated when Bateman asks her to marry him.

It's because in the original ending, SHE GETS PREGNANT WITH PATRICK WILSON'S BABY AND THEN THEY BREAK UP SO SHE CAN BEGRUDGINGLY BE WITH JASON BATEMAN.

I can't even.

HOW DO THESE MOVIES GET MADE. I NEED TO KNOW HOW. I NEED TO KNOW THE LOGISTICS. I NEED TO BE A PART OF ONE OF THESE PITCH MEETINGS. I NEED TO KNOW IF PEOPLE EVER GET PUNCHED IN THE FACE FOR COMING UP WITH THESE IDEAS. IF I HAD THE POWER OF THIS KIND OF KNOWLEDGE, I COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND SAVE US ALL.

Stats:

Number of times I yelled out a correct line of dialogue before it was spoken: 3

Number of times Patrick Wilson looked scary, rather than attractive: 27

Number of times I laughed out loud: 0

Number of times I groaned audibly: 10

Number of times I found Jason Bateman endearing: 2

Number of times I commented on how flawless Jeff Goldblum is: 8

On a scale of 1 to 10, how badly do I wish I had the ability to travel back in time and never watch this movie: 7

Final assessment: NO. JUST NO. JUST...NO.

1 comment:

  1. I can't believe you watched the whole thing!! It would have been turned off after ten minutes of that BS in my house!

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