Monday, August 8, 2011

Spoiler Alert: The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

Actual quote from me to the husband, at several points during the duration of this movie: “Why did this film get made, and why am I watching it?”

I have no idea what made me want to watch this movie on Friday night. I mean, I know what made me want to watch it. When I was in middle school, my friend Sarah and I used to get together for a sleepover every couple of months, and we would go to the video store (because back then, there were video stores, where you could rent videos. A video is what we used to call VHS tapes. A VHS tape is...oh god, get off of my blog.) and we would go right to the Horror section, and we would scour the shelves for the most disturbing and gruesome looking covers, and, provided they were 99 cent rentals, we would scoop up at least two or three of them and then we would eat popcorn and watch insane movies all night. And this was called The Horror/Gore Fest, and it was always so much fun. (Remember “Popcorn,” Sair? Buy a bag; Go home in a box)

So anyway, I have always been into disgusting movies, and for a while I thought that I would like to grow up to be a special effects make-up artist. Because the best part for me was always the blood and guts.

For a film about a crazy surgical experiment, there isn't a ton of blood and guts. But there are plenty of other disturbing things to rank it among some of the most twisted movies I have ever seen.

Do you even know what it's about? At this point, how can you not know?

A crazy German surgeon has this awesome idea – LET'S SEW THREE PEOPLE TOGETHER.

No. It's actually worse than that.

So these two American girls are hanging out in Germany, and on their way to a club, they get a flat tire. And then it starts to rain. So they get out of the car and start walking back down the road. And then they are suddenly and inexplicably lost in the woods. And then they find a house so they knock on the door, and it's opened by the most creepiest dude you have ever seen in your life (who vaguely resembles a super-wrinkly, German version of Quentin Tarantino), and yet they are like, “HAI DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH CAN WE COME INSIDE AND USE YOUR PHONE YOU HAVE A VERY NICE HOUSE THAT'S A COOL PAINTING OF CONJOINED TWINS YOU'VE GOT THERE NOTHING SEEMS STRANGE ABOUT THAT OH OF COURSE WE WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO LEAVE THE ROOM AND GET US SOME WATER WHICH WE ARE SURE YOU WILL NOT PUT DRUGS INTO WHEEEEEEEE!”

He totally drugs them, you guys.

"STAY FOR A NIGHTCAP!!!!!"

And then they wake up in his basement tied to hospital beds and, well...he eventually brings in a third person. A Japanese guy. And then he explains to them that he is a very well known surgeon whose specialty is separating conjoined twins. And guess what!?! You lucky bitches are going to be part of his NEW EXPERIMENT! IT'S CALLED THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE AND IT INVOLVES HAVING YOUR MOUTHS SEWN TO EACH OTHERS ANUSES! WHO IS STILL WITH ME?

I don't even want to get into the things that you start thinking about at this point. I mean. ONE DIGESTIVE TRACT.

One of the girls tries to escape, but WHY IS THIS GIRL SO DUMB? First of all, it's not her fault entirely, because I am fairly sure that no one would ever expect to open a random door and then immediately fall into a swimming pool. She couldn't have predicted that. But honestly. After the surgeon DOESN'T shoot her, and after he closes the automatic pool cover but it doesn't close all of the way so she is able to get out, and after she runs into a room that had a big glass wall to the outside world which is now shattered, WHY DOESN'T SHE RUN. I MEAN. She feels some need to go back and get her friend, which is where it all goes to hell. I'll let you know that she is eventually returned to her spot on hospital bed number two, earning her the prestigious honor of being “ZEE MIDDLE PIECE.”

Guess what? The surgery is successful. Guess what else? The rest of this movie is pretty messed up, but in a way that makes you think, “I cannot stop watching this for fear that I might miss something even more disturbing, even though I feel like I have reached my own personal limit of disturbing imagery. I must look away I CANNOT LOOK AWAY.”

Stats:

Cast member with the best name for a cat: Dieter Laser

Best name of anyone involved in this film: Goof de Koning (Director of Photography)

Best prop that I would like to put in my garden, for the lulz: Plaque that reads “My Sweet 3-Dog”

Number of times I yelled “Just RUN” during the sequence when Lindsay tried to escape: 7

My first thought as they began their escape from the basement via spiral staircase: “I AM GOING TO NEED THERAPY.”

Humorous Highlight: That awkward moment when you step in a pile of some guy's throat.

Number of times the husband changed his location in the family room in order to make sure that he saw none of this movie: 5

AWKWARD

The lesson we learn from this film: Run while you can when you see that the glass wall is broken, and do not, I repeat, DO NOT go back to rescue your friend, because she is just going to die with her mouth surgically attached to your butthole.

Final assessment: WHY DID I DO THIS, YET I REGRET NOTHING



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