Because that would just be pathetic.
Instead, I shall begin by saying that indeed, I am far too old to be watching this garbage. I am far too interested in music to be watching this garbage. I am far too confused as to who all of these young "rappers" are to be watching this garbage.
But I love American Eagle jeans, and did you know that their gift cards never expire?
The pre-show started at 8:00 and I was treated to my least favorite VJ of all times, SWAY, interviewing (talking at?) the cast of Jersey Shore, minus The Situation, who was inexplicably absent. (I can't wait for the gif of Ronnie punching him in the face to start circulating the interwebz.) Time was wasted, air was depleted, and they eventually moved on.
They look better when they're blurry.
Who in the hell were these other two dudes interviewing people on the BLACK CARPET (SO TRENDY YOU GUYZ MTV IS STILL RELEVANT I MEAN GAME CHANGER)? They were both annoying and seemed to have been PAs pulled from the side and given a mic. It's not important, because is anyone really listening to anything that is being said? No. I want to see what crazy shit Gaga shows up wearing and move on with my (admittedly sad) life.
So people kept coming in and whatnot, and it was marginally entertaining to see Rick Ross in a sweater vest, and yes, I may have squeeed when Selena Gomez interviewed The Biebs and as the camera pulled away he started kissing her cheek I MEAN COME ON YOUNG LOVE MY HEART IS NOT MADE OF STONE.
He does look more and more like a woman as time goes on.
I enjoyed Nicki Minaj's outfit. I like Wiz Khalifa, and his girlfriend Amber Rose - OMG so beautiful. I didn't know that she used to date Kanye until I googled her. AWKWARD.
Wiz and Amber Wiz and Amber Wiz and Amber Wiz and Amber
You know who looked terribly beat and completely out of place at this function? The Foo Fighters. Like, GET THE MEMO. IT'S OVER. Dave Grohl. For the love. Please stop. PLEASE. STOP.
That awkward moment when you're the oldest people there by 30 years I mean.
There was also a brief interview with 30 Seconds to Mars. I'm sorry. I don't get it. I don't understand. Jared Leto. WHY MUST YOU CONTINUE FORTH IN RUINING 1994 FOR ME FOREVER.
This photo actually makes me laugh so hard that I am just crying, and then it turns into just crying.
Also, putting the final nail in their coffin of irrelevancy, there was Foster the People. Look. I'm not trying to be that guy that is all, "Once a band is on MTV I'm over it," but, um, once a band is on MTV I AM OVER IT. Especially when said band has 2 decent songs, one of which is already tired.
Other people were there, many of whom I did not recognize. And Tyler the Creator. I'm not even going there, bro.
So then the show starts, and Lady Gaga does her soliloquy, and you know, it was weird. The fact that MTV allowed her to do what was basically a piece of performance art is fairly cool. My favorite part, though, was the reaction shots of the other (artists? musicians? that's going too far.) people in the audience. Bieber looked like he wanted to run away. BEST. And Dave Grohl was the only person who knew who Brian May was. Another indicator that it is time to pack it up and move on.
I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time.
There wasn't a host this year, which I think worked well. It's best to just keep things moving along. I mean, no one really cares about the awards. People only marginally care about the performances. Why are they still doing this again?
Kevin Hart. You are tragically unfunny. That is all.
The other thing about the VMAs is the ridiculous pairings of people they come up with to present or introduce things. Nicki Minaj and Jonah Hill. WHY. He looks like Michael Cera now and I can't deal with it.
Why does MTV insist on continuing to push Britney Spears back into the light? It has been well established that she can't sing. Can we just stop now? It's getting embarrassing.
Jay Z and Kanye's "surprise" performance. *le sigh* I haven't heard the album, but the reviews are not that great. I mean. Jay is probably the greatest living rapper, but he's near 40. It just gets sad at a point, you know?
The best part of this performance was when that random dude jumped on stage and was taken down by security, and Jay just looked at Kanye and was like, "Yeah! We still got it!"
Best rock video. The Foo Fighters? YES. I HATE MYSELF. THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
Rick Ross painting happy trees. YES.
I want this photo framed and hung in my bathroom.
The Future Beastie Boys vs. Odd Future dance-off. This was a mess. I just can't. THINK OF THE JEANS.
I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE.
Ok. When Nicki Minaj cited Lil' Wayne as the best rapper alive? I laughed out loud. LIKE IS SHE EVEN SERIOUS OR DID SHE JUST SAY THAT BECAUSE HE SIGNS HER CHECKS. If you, as a human being, believe that what Lil' Wayne does is even CLOSE to anything AKIN to rapping, you have problems far greater than I can even begin to address.
So then we come back from commercial and could you hear me scream? SUDDENLY OVERSTREET. TENDERONI YOU'VE GOT TO BE. YOU READ THAT PROMPTER BOY.
HIGH POINT OF THE EVENING. I WANT TO LOVE YOU PRETTY YOUNG THING.
Katy Perry wins best collaboration with Kanye, and she tries to be funny, and it fails miserably, and UGH. This is really hard to watch you guys, because these people are forced to act as real people for a few seconds in time, and they are all horrible at it.
"Imma let you finish. No really. Go ahead. I've got nothing to add."
Rick Ross and Paul Rudd start out with a really funny bit and then it quickly dissolves into more horrible awkwardness. THINK OF THE SWEATSHIRTS.
Pitbull. There is a place in this world for the music that you (make? sing?) do. I just don't understand why it is now part of my consciousness. I'm sure the people of Jersey Shore were enjoying you and that other guy and that chick wearing a lace leotard. Y'all looked like a third-string version of The Black Eyed Peas.
WHO EVEN ARE THESE PEOPLE.
So then there was more crap and some commercials, and then. AND THEN.
ADELE. HOW I LOVE YOU, ADELE. It was all I could do to hold back my tears. I have no idea how she performs these songs over and over. I mean. It would kill me. She is just gorgeous and amazing and here, just watch her:
More crap, more awkward time-wasting with Nicki Minaj in a Beavis and Butthead clip, more irrelevancy with Kim Kardashian presenting Best Male performance. SURPRISE IT WAS THE BIEBS LET'S MOVE ON HE LOOKS LIKE AN OLD LADY.
It's time for my fiber pills.
I cannot even begin to get past the fact that Chris Brown is still making music, and that people are paying him for it, and that no one seems to really care that he is an abusive jackass. So he does this weirdo dance performance and he's flying around on cables...I just. Remember the days when Usher would dance out of his sneakers and everyone would freak out? I miss those simpler times.
LOOK AT ME NOW! LOOK AT ME NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-W!
A Lifetime Achievement award for Britney Spears. Just leave me here. I can't go on in this world. The best part of this was the completely ridiculous exchange between Brit and Gaga. Gaga kept trying to kiss her and she was all, "Been there, done that," and it was funny, and then Gaga kept on talking and it JUST. GOT. UNCOMFORTABLE. It made me laugh.
"OK but seriously, please stop talking to me now."
Obviously everyone is talking about Beyonce. She's pregnant you know.
Baby, you guise.
Tyler the Creator. Best New Artist. I think that this pretty well sums up my feelings about the apathy and general dismay that I feel towards the state of MTV. I really hope that this decision to give him an award isn't a true representation of the feelings of the general youth population, because if it is, I am really sad.
Guess what, Young the Giant? HATRED.
Things just continued to spiral into further terribleness when Cloris Leachman and the girls from Jersey Shore came out and Gaga won Best Female Video. I NEED TO LOOK AWAY I CAN'T LOOK AWAY.
I wonder which one of these people wants to be there the least.
The tribute to Amy Winehouse was bizarre. How is it a tribute when Bruno Mars is singing a cover of a song that she covered? Would it not have been more appropriate to perform one of her many amazing original works? I AM SO OLD AND I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH THAT I DON'T EVEN WANT THE JEANS ANY MORE, I JUST WANT THE ABILITY TO UNSEE ALL OF THIS UTTER GARBAGE I MEAN SOMEONE HELP ME.
Also in there was the 30 second "teaser clip" for The Hunger Games. What am I even looking at. How is this at all enticing. I just.
KATIE HOLMES. FOR THE LOVE OF THE JESUS. WE HAVE OFFICIALLY CROSSED OVER INTO SUPREME IRRELEVANCY TERRITORY.
WHY ARE YOU HERE. IT'S NOT 1998.
Katy Perry wins video of the year, and she's wearing a cube on her head.
WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN.
Drake comes out, and no one throws a blunt object at his head.
Lil' Wayne "performs" and I seriously consider taking my own life because THE WORLD IS A REALLY TERRIBLE PLACE FULL OF TERRIBLE PEOPLE WHO GET PAID A LOT OF MONEY TO CONTRIBUTE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO THE REST OF US.
Apparently we're going to ride this autotune thing to death.
Now I sit, traumatized, ashamed, demoralized, and numb.
I wonder if they accept American Eagle gift cards in hell.