Friday, August 12, 2011

Fantasy Cast Friday: Dirty Dancing Edition

I don't know about you, but I AM DISTRESSED.
Word on the street is that “they” (short for “Those Haters of Everything from my Youth”) are planning on remaking Dirty Dancing.
I mean.
Can I just.
For a moment.

It's bad enough that things that weren't even good about my younger days get made into movies (Smurfs? Battleship? Really?) But now you're taking ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES EVER MADE, and you want to DO IT OVER WITH DIFFERENT PEOPLE???

Did you learn nothing from the atrocities of Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights?!?!?!?

My friend Steph knows where I'm coming from. She is equally distressed. BOTHERED, if you will. But then I was like, “Well, if this trainwreck is going to happen, we may as well decide on our top casting choices, you know?” and she was like, “That's a good idea. Let's do that.”

So we did.


Frances “Baby” Houseman, played by Jennifer Grey

Kristi Picks: Lea Michele – "I promise that it doesn't even have anything to do with my now dead obsession with Glee. Just think about it. She can sing and dance, she would look plain enough next to my pick for Johnny to be believably enarmored with him, and also, NOSE."

Steph Picks: Emma Stone - "Fact: she is in all of the movies. Fact: she vaguely resembles Jennifer Grey. Well, that wig she wears for The Help vaguely resembles Jennifer Grey's hair. Her old hair, mind you. Her new hair? I think we can all agree that she lost a bit of her spark when she straightened it."

Johnny Castle, played by Patrick Swayze


Kristi Picks: Zac Efron – "Do I even need to explain this to you? He can sing and he can dance and he's practically wearing the costume in this photo. Also, Zefron plus Lea = YES PLEASE."

Steph Picks: SWEET ZEFRON - "17 Again is the most underrated movie of all times. Also, ABS."

Dr. Jake Houseman, played by Jerry Orbach

Kristi Picks: James Spader – "He can be douchey. He can be controlling. He can tend to a girl with botched abortion pains."

Steph Picks: Sam Waterston - "Got to keep it in the Law & Order Family."

Marjorie Houseman, played by Kelly Bishop (Rory's Grandma, y'all)

Kristi Picks: Patricia Heaton – "I like her, okay. She would fit well as "the doctor's wife" from this time period. And I feel like she and James Spader would make a reasonable combo of people to spawn Lea Michele."

Steph Picks: Catherine O'Hara - "I like her, okay. And she looks like Emma Stone. And she's funny. This is starting to feel like homework."

Lisa Houseman, played by Jane Brucker

Kristi Picks: Aubrey Plaza – "I LOVE AUBREY. And she would be perfection as Baby's kooky/self-absorbed sister. The hula bit? PLEEEEEASE. I need to see this happen with Aubrey wearing that crazy ass costume."

Steph Picks: Parker Posey - "I had a hard time choosing between her and Anne Hathaway. But now it's clear to me. Parker Posey. YES."

Penny Johnson, played by Cynthia Rhodes

Kristi Picks: Dakota Fanning – "I feel like she would rock this part out, man. Aside from the whole abortion fiasco, she would make a great pretty bitchy girl who then warms up. Yes. Side note: Why do I feel like all of the women in this movie are aptly described as being bitchy?"

Steph Picks: Jessica Alba - "I was desperately trying to think of a mainstream actress who is also a believable dancer, for Penny. Then I remembered Alba's failed 2002 dancer-with-a-dream flick Honey. *hand motion*"

Max Kellerman, played by Jack Weston

Kristi Picks: James Gandalfini – "Let's be real. He could use the work, and maybe it would be good for him to not play an overbearing Italian guy for once. Also, similar hairline."

Steph Picks: Robin Williams - "The only question you should be asking yourself is, "WHY THE HELL NOT?""

Neil Kellerman, played by Lonny Price

Kristi Picks: Samm Levine – "PLEASE."

Steph Picks: Neil Patrick Harris - "Everything is better with a little NPH."

Robbie Gould, played by Max Cantor

Kristi Picks: Dustin Milligan – "You know, from the 90210 re-boot? And Shark Night in 3D? He's good looking. I don't know."

Steph Picks: Jimmy Fallon - "JIMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

Billy Kostecki, played by Neal Jones

Kristi Picks: Darren Criss – "I want to watch him carry some watermelons."

Steph Picks: Jay Baruchel - "I know you want to watch him carry some watermelons."

When I read Steph's picks, and I got to the end, and I saw this? Well. 

Steph knows my feelings towards Jay Baruchel. There are so many of them. SO VERY MANY FEELINGS.

My List of Most Desirables?

He is the unequivocal NUMBER ONE.

Steph's pick of him to play Billy was one that won my favor immediately, as Jay should have all of the roles in all of the movies forever and ever the end. But then Steph took it a step further, and posted this image on my facebook wall:


So then this conversation happened:

Me: “She's knocked up, Baby.”

Steph: They should keep that “Knocked Up” line...and also give him lines that incorporate titles of his other films. “I like your sister, Lisa, but SHE'S OUT OF MY LEAGUE.”

Me: “Is this seat taken? Or should I say, UNDECLARED?”

Steph: “It's a good thing we're in the Catskills. There won't be any TROPIC THUNDER.”

Me: “Thanks for letting me borrow your hedge trimmers. You've been such GOOD NEIGHBORS.”

Steph: (coming soon)


Steph: “Baby, with your new dance skills, you could be a MILLION DOLLAR BABY.”

Me: “What did you do with that watermelon?”
        “I JUST BURIED it.”

Steph: “You're ALMOST FAMOUS at the Sheldrake.”

Me: “Your dance moves are fine in slow motion, but let's see them in REAL TIME.”

Steph: “Let's walk through the woods. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?”

Me: “I know that you can cha-cha, but can you do THE TROTSKY?”

Steph: “We always dance to NICK AND NORAH'S INFINIATE PLAYLIST.”

Me: “Hey. My name is Billy Kostecki. But sometimes I tell people I'M REED FISH.”

Steph: “We should take a trip to the city and spend a NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM (Battle of the Smithsonian).”

Me: “You want to fight me? I don't think you have THE STONES.”

This is what we do for fun okay. SOUL SISTERS.

Thanks for doing this with me Steph! It was fun. We should totes do it again. And also, thank you for getting all of the photos together that are featured in this blog post. AS YOU DO.

So what do you think? Do you have any suggestions for casting this remake?


  1. I take issue that Honey was, in fact, a failure. Missy Elliot cameo? Cinematic gold. :)

  2. RETRACTION: Honey was released in 2003, not 2002. I sincerely apologize.

  3. I don't think I have anything to say but this:


  4. You are my heroes.


  5. @Kelly
    Never seen it. I mean. He's a dude and he doesn't have any sisters, so I guess I don't blame him. But it's been on my list of issues to remedy for several years.