Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Actual Conversations: The Husband, 07/19/11, 7:00 p.m.


Him: “So...should I put the air conditioner in the family room or in the bedroom?”

Me: “Family room.”

Him: “Why do you say that?”

Me: “Because it makes sense.”

Him: “But why wouldn't you want it in the bedroom?”

Me: “I don't know. Because breathing in the air from the air conditioner is so bad for you.”

Him: “Really? Is that, like, a factual thing, or...”

Me: “I don't know! I don't want the cold air blowing on the kids all night. They'll get sick.”

Him: “You can't get sick from cold air, but whatever.”

Me: “ . . .”

Him: “I mean, even if those reasons were actual reasons, I just don't understand why you wouldn't want the air conditioner in the bedroom.”

Me: “Because it doesn't make sense. Because the kids and I spend most of our day in the family room, so it should be cooler in there. I mean.”

Him: “Well, you could just go into the bedroom when you get hot. Cool off.”

Me: “. . .”

Him: “It's just, it would cost less money to run it because it's a smaller room, and I could keep it cooler.”

Me: “Well by that logic, why not just put it in the bathroom. It's the smallest room in the house.”

Him: “I would, but the window is too small.”

At one point towards the end of the conversation, he asked me why he never wins any of our arguments, and I believe that my response was, “Because you are dumb,” which I realize was not a kind thing to say.

But.

On the other hand.

At least when I am coming up with bullshit reasons why I need to get my way, they SOUND LIKE THEY COULD BE LEGIT REASONS. I'm not like, “I am afraid the air conditioner will fall on top of me while we sleep,” or “I am afraid that the air conditioner will short out the crappy electrical outlet in the bedroom causing a fire while we sleep,” or “The thought of the children and I running to the bedroom to cool off every time the rest of the house is unbearably hot is laughable because we would have to spend all day in our bedroom which is about the size of a standard state prison cell and I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this.”

Oh, snap. Even when I try to come up with dumb reasons, they make sense.

GODDAMN I AM GOOD.

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